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The Christmas shopping season is here and that means just one thing – the Official Icarus Landing Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree! Woo-hoo! So without further ado, here, below, with pictures, are some of the cool, cool, cool gifts that nobody asked for and that I’ve gotten for people on my Christmas list while thoroughly, completely, blissfully, and totally blitzed out of my skull…
The Versatile Mixing Bowl
This awesome, awesome mixing bowl is a gift for Icarus, who is enjoying cooking a great deal. Apparently you can do a lot of different things with this bowl, mixing included, because it has a wide opening and holds lots and lots of various fluids and solids and things and can be used in the kitchen or bedside if needed. Merry Christmas, son! You just know your Dad loves you very much when you get a gift this good!
‘The Grand Ruler’ Anubis Statue
This is one of my ‘big’ gifts for Mrs. Daedalus this year. By big I mean over eight feet tall. Why? Well, this is The Official Icarus Landing Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree! I don’t have to have a good reason. I guess because except for the weird pseudo animal-like pagan worship head, it kind of reminds me of me – swarthy and muscular, good-looking in a short gold skirt, ready to protect my bride’s Egyptian palace [yeah, we have one. What of it?]. And only $1,799 – a steal to boot! Best thing of all about it? Comes complete with scepter and ankh. That’s right! Scepter and ankh!
The Sarcophagus of King Tuthankhaman Bookshelf Cabinet
This is a gift for The Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Thomus. From Design Toscano for only $800 and because when I see the word ‘sarcophagus’, it just makes me all giggly inside and makes me think about Thomus and go all soft and stuff. And because he always gets me something nice for Christmas, too, like beer. For $20.
The Inada Sogno ‘Dreamwave’
This is just a little something I bought for myself – a total massage total high tech total body total chair, just $6,499 [seriously!]. Aka The Expensive Chair Thingy. Did I mention this is for me? As in, when I’m sober? As in, for nobody else! After all, it’s Christmas! Just a minor little indulgence, since the success of IL has made me such a wealthy man.
The Risen Jesus Statue
This is the ‘perfect’ gift for The Other Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Ernestus, because he is an avowed atheist and this will really piss him off. But in a good way! In a ho-ho-ho way! Right? Jeez, I thought about him the second I saw this! So he better like it! After all, it includes the rough-hewn stone that was rolled away and the inscription of John 11:25-2!!! At $650, that’s almost a bargain! Almost.
The Meditation Grotto of Sorrento
This is a Christmas gift not for a person, but for a yard. The yard of The Other Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Ernestus, just in case he’s not already pissed off enough because, after all, it’s Christmas! This timeless, European-style grotto is 10 feet tall and about 420 pounds and, don’t you agree?, creates an instant, ‘destination spot’ for religious meditation in the middle of Uncle Ernestus’s yard. Did I mention he’s an avowed atheist? Good times! I think he should put it in his front yard, not his back, don’t you?
The King Tutankhamen’s Egyptian Throne Chair
Jeez, there’s a lot of Egyptian thematic content and subtext here. What’s that about? I don’t know what makes me go all Egyptian when I get drinking at Christmas, but apparently, when drunk, Christmas reminds me of ancient Egypt and all the fun they had during the Christmas season getting Jewish slaves to make egg nog for them and wrap their presents and force Santa’s elves to build their pyramids and stuff. Must have been another life for me. Yeah, that’s it! I get weepy and sentimental and think about ancient Egypt! At $895, who wouldn’t get weepy! I will give this gift to The Official Brother of Icarus Landing, Christophacus, who, if you know him, know that he deserves a 185 pound throne in his house if anybody does! Son, this is the gift that says your Dad knows you well and loves you lots!
The ‘Christmas Story’ Leg Lamp
One of those ‘perfect’ gifts for Icarus, because this is his favorite Christmas movie. Only $199, and totally worth it, and because the sheer black stocking style will look great in a contrasting way in his stylish, coolly contemporary, non-kitschy designer home. It made Ralphie’s Dad proud, it will do the same for Icarus! And the Official Girlfriend of Icarus Landing, Karacus, will love it also.
The Legless Person’s Portable Home
Keeping with the leg theme established above, this is for The Official Twin Brother of Icarus Landing, Brettacus, also step brother to Spartacus, who was, as you can guess by this photo, born with no torso. This portable, tent-like little house will be perfect for him as right now he lives on a shelf in one of our closets. Best thing about it? It prevents insulation dust particles from being pulled in! You’re welcome, son!! This is like our own Tiny Tim at home getting saved in the end of A Christmas Carol, isn’t it? Just says I love you over and over again, without saying I wish you had a torso, son.
The Replica Captain Kirk’s Chair
Another perfect gift! This one’s for Skeets, The Official Cousin Skeets of Icarus Landing. Yes, the first officially licensed replica features a working swivel design, light-up controls and, get this, sound effects from the legendary Star Trek series! It will look fantastic in their living room!!! And at only $2,717 [actual price], will provide a lifetime of joy for Skeets and his family, especially his mother-in-law, who will never forget this!
The New Christmas Outfit
Why, for The Official Mother of Icarus Landing, Mrs. Daedalus, of course, and me. Of course. Mrs. Daedalus is a scientific curiosity – like Benjamin Button, she is aging in reverse! It’s true! This year, several people who haven’t seen her in years said to her, “You’re looking younger!” And she is! These same people say nothing to me. Fine, I get it. Anyway, with one of these on, Christmas night will feel like high school again!!! Hurray for Christmas!!!
Okay, that’s it, everybody! Hope you enjoy the IL Christmas and Holidays this year! Catch you in the New Year!
Since the Brad Pitt Face post I did two weeks ago, I’ve received a lot of requests – you could say a sleigh full – for more photos of me. Readers’ curiosity is insatiable! Whoever would have thought! I was going to do what I do best – ignore them – until I read this article about legislation being introduced in France requiring all digitally altered photographs used in advertising to be labeled as ‘Retouched’. It got me thinking, a bit, about photo preparation and alteration, retouching, and branding. Here’s an excerpt from the article I read…
“…Some think such a law would destroy photographic art; some think it might help reduce anorexia; some say the idea is aimed at the wrong target, given that nearly every advertising photograph is retouched. Others believe such a label might sensitize people to the fakery involved in most of the advertising images with which they’re bludgeoned. Underneath it all is an emotional debate about what it is to be attractive or unattractive, and whether the changing ideals of beauty — from Sophia Loren to Twiggy — have ever been realistic. Michelangelo painted idealized bodies, so the idea of idealized beauty was already there… It’s a fake debate…”
There was a recent fuss about this bizarre retouching of the model Filippa Hamilton for a Ralph Lauren ad. Look at these two photos closely – the one on the left is unaltered while the right picture, from ads that ran in Japan, is retouched so weirdly that her waist appears to be the same width as her head:
Personally, I am thoroughly put off by this whole idea of fashionable idealism by artifice, using retouching and airbrushing techniques. The Botticellianesque counterfeiting of the human body, the rampage of artificiality, the mock run amok, the beau ideal become faux ideal – I find it utterly laughable and yet annoying, even a touch offensive. Countless magazine covers featuring porcelain-perfect, moleless, pimpleless, hairless, sun spotless, scarless, stretch markless facial and body skin, and hourglass figures where beer barrels once existed, combining to make everything about celebrity, about media-drenched modern society, about pop culture generally, illusory, fake, and shallow. I, for one, lose all interest in whatsoever is not so real.
Therefore, in answer to your innumerable requests for “More Daedalus, please!”, and in the spirit of authenticity and humble genuiousness, here is my early Christmas present to all of my readers, subscribers, and fans – my full-bodied, actual, unretouched and unaltered photo of myself in high resolution, suitable for downloading, printing, and framing.
Let’s call this the Christmas season spirit of veracity and full disclosure!
Merry Christmas to you all for 2009!
I decided it was time for one of those Makeovers. Literally. Tired of the goofy-looking face I see in the mirror every morning, I ordered a new one – Brad Pitt’s – using a revolutionary, technological marvel called a Bioprinter. After all, it’s Christmas!
The Bioprinter is being developed at University of Missouri-Columbia as part of the Frontiers of Integrative Biological Research Program, supported by the National Science Foundation. Its purpose is to further advance our understanding of self-assembly during the organization of cells and tissues into functional organ modules. In other words, to create organs, body parts, using bioprinting technology, which operates with bioink particles of cells to assemble an anatomical organ bit by bit until it is whole. Think of an inkjet printer producing an illustration of a heart; now think of it as real, three dimensional, and fully functioning.
Here is an illustration of the Bioprinter:
So I had an idea: skin is the largest of human organs, fully replicable tissue. Why not map Brad Pitt’s face and then do a martini cocktail mix of his and mine, letting the Bioprinter create the final result!
So, here is my goofy face getting mapped by the Bioprinter:
Here is Brad Pitt’s getting mapped on the Bioprinter:
And here is the resulting masterpiece, the blend of Daedalus and Brad Pitt, which we will now call, Bradalus!
I like it! Cool, yes?
All I can say now is, Merry Christmas, Mrs. Daedalus!!! [or should I say, Merry Christmas, Mrs. Bradalus!!!]
And maybe even Merry Christmas, Angelina Jolie!!! [Hey, who knows? An improvement is an improvement. Could be…]
There was a knock on the door this morning. I went to answer it, opening the door with broad anticipation, a warm smile, a ready greeting. It was Christmas.
She appeared to be the same as she has been every year for the past twenty-eight years, since I first became a father: bracing and spirited, fun and funny, lovely with a touch of elegance, warm and loving, bountiful and beautiful. I couldn’t wait to welcome her.
But only moments after I did, I realized she is not the Christmas I know. She is something else this year. An imposter. In my heart, I felt something descend, dropping hard like a fast sinking anchor – my own deep imminent joy. She is not the same Christmas. I do not recognize her after all.
That’s because for the first time in all these years as a parent and family patriarch, my son will not be home for Christmas.
Now, this did not come as a surprise – circumstances beyond his control are keeping him away this year. Along with his mother and two brothers, I hoped we might experience one of those movie magic moments where things change in our favor and he is able to dash and glide with reindeer speed through the air and to our Christmas morning living room, where there is still a tree with presents sprawled underneath, including lots labeled ‘To Mark with all our love… Mom, Eeg [his nickname for me], Chris, Brett…’.
But movie magic happens only in the movies.
I greeted Christmas this morning politely, in a dignified manner, but with a sore heart, fighting back tears as I tried to make civil conversation with her.
“Things have been a little tougher this year for you, haven’t they?”, she asked.”
“Yes”, I replied solemnly. “But we try to bolster ourselves the best we can, you know, telling each other to value each day, to not waste a second of the moment. Our strength comes from being true to who we are.”
Like a visitor who is uncertain about her surroundings and unsure of what to do next, she sits with us uncomfortably. One eye is on the door, I can see that. It’s okay, I tell myself. This is your only visit here.
I long to see my son, and we will visit him in short order, which excites me. And next year, Christmas will not come as a stranger, she will be our old friend once again.
But for now, it is time to reflect and be thankful for all the gifts we do have – our abiding love for each other, our family togetherness, our unwavering support for each other in all instances and there without bidding. It is time for me to appreciate the honor life has granted me of being a father to three of the finest young men I have ever known, and to be grateful for having a wife who is the best person I have ever met. I don’t let one second of this go by unacknowledged or unappreciated.
It’s time to wish a stranger well on her way.
Christmas is a time of year for some great movie-watching. Sometimes there are seasonal movies that you just have to see at least once every year. There are a lot of these films that you will watch over and over again, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve seen them 500 different times; you find yourself turning on the same movies every December without fail. Each of us has our own list of favorites, but here is my list:
10. ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ (1993)
In this beautiful (yea, I said beautiful) film by Tim Burton, Jack Skellington, king of Halloweentown, discovers Christmas Town but doesn’t quite understand the concept . A sweet fable for kids and the torture of Santa for adults: It’s like the Grinch on Acid. (The Grinch will not be appearing on this list.)
9. ‘The Muppet Christmas Carol’ (1992)
Ok, so this movie is fan-freakin-tastic. I’ve seen it less than a handful of times but it’s one of the best takes on the Dickens tale. Michael Caine plays Ebenezer Scrooge and Kermit the Frog as Bob Cratchit. This is a great way to introduce the classic Dickens tale to kids. Check it out this Xmas or kick it old school with Alastair Sim.
8. ‘The Ref’ (1994)
Kevin Spacey. Dennis Leary. Judy Davis. A cat burglar is forced to take a bickering, dysfunctional family hostage on Christmas Eve. A very, very under-appreciated film. Oh..it was filmed in Niagara-on-the-Lake if anyone cares?
7. ‘Home Alone’ (1990)
It made Macaulay Culkin the biggest child star on the planet, reigned at the box office and grossed $533 million worldwide, nothing like watching an 8-year-old kid give burglars Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern a Christmas beat-down. Follow it up with a decent sequel…need I say more?
6. “Gremlins” (1984)
I loved this movie and was always surprised that it never quite reached the “classic movie” status. If you think this flick about vicious green monsters tearing up a small town during the holidays isn’t very Christmasy, be thankful producers axed scenes in which Gremlins behead Billy’s mom and eat his dog.
5. “Elf” (2003)
Will Ferrell plays Buddy, a man raised as an elf at the North Pole. A great story, great character development which made it an instant holiday classic. The role he might be remembered for most in 50 years…(besides Ron Burgundy of course)
4.”Die Hard” (1988)
The ultimate Christmas action flick. There’s no better way to get in the Christmas spirit than watching a wife-beater-clad Bruce Willis single-handedly decimate a skyscraperful of terrorists on Christmas Eve. Gotta say it: Yippy-ki-yay, motherf*****!
3. “Bad Santa” (2003)
There are people who see Santa as a noble character with perhaps a hint of safe Tim Allen-esque humor and then there are those of us who don’t mind the occasional slip into vulgarity, promiscuity and armed burglary. If you don’t like black comedies, stop bein’ a baby and watch it…hilarious.
2. Christmas Vacation (1989)
This classic Christmas movie staring Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold (like I even needed to say that) pays homage to the love/hate event that is the family Christmas. I will sit down and watch this movie every Christmas, start to finish…if it’s not on, I’ll rent it.
1. A Christmas Story (1983)
The story of Ralphie’s epic quest to get his hands on a Red Ryder BB gun provides the hilarious backdrop for a timeless movie. It’s a story that is so pure, so wonderful that the thought of it alone makes me smile. There isn’t a scene in this movie that isn’t a near perfect nostalgic look at where Americana and Christmas time meet.
Honorable mention: Scrooged, Santa Clause, Batman Returns
So there it is, I know there are classics I’ve missed but these are the ones I will actually watch year after year. I love movies like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” or “It’s a Wonderful Life” but they’re shoved down our throats year after year and I rarely sit down and actually watch these movies anymore. I do have great memories of them though.
Icarus
Icarus Landing 
