You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2009.
NOTE: This post was previewed Saturday on Twitter. Some tweets back to us are featured below each declaration.
1. The State of Iran declares the results of the movie Election [starring Matthew Broderick and Reese Witherspoon] to be illegal and illegitimate and subject to immediate annulment and reversal. The Jim McAllister [Matthew Broderick] backed candidate, Paul Wetzler, is hereby declared the official State-sanctioned winning candidate for President of Carver High’s Student Council over Tracy Flick.
Tweet from katiebgood: “Thank God! I hate that bitch Tracy Flick! Shes such a bitch!!!”
Tweet from roxannen: “Paul Wetzlers sooooo cute!”
Tweet from sarahpenn: “I lv it! Thnx guys!”
2. The State of Iran declares that the NFL’s Tuck Rule is illegal and illegitimate and now overturned. The State of Iran now recognizes the Oakland Raiders as the officially State-sanctioned Super Bowl Champions for 2002.
Tweet from raidersfan: “Yeahhhh! Super Bwl chmps!!! Finally!!! Woohoo!!!
3. The State of Iran declares that the Supreme Court decision determining the outcome of the 2000 U. S. federal election in favor of George W. Bush is illegal and illegitimate and now overturned. The State of Iran now recognizes that Albert A. Gore is henceforth the official State-sanctioned winner of the 2000 U. S. election and is now President of the United States from January 2001 to January 2009. An official State Visit will be arranged last year.
Tweet from agore: “Im humbld and honord 2 accept Presidency.”
4. The State of Iran declares Brett Hull to have been illegally and illegitimately in the crease when he scored the winning goal in the 1999 Stanley Cup finals for Dallas over the Buffalo Sabres. A fatwa is declared against Brett Hull. Death to Brett Hull! Death to Brett Hull! The State of Iran now recognizes the Buffalo Sabres as the officially State-sanctioned Stanley Cup Champions for 1999.
Tweet from bhull: “Fuck u Iranian assholes!”
Tweet from dominikhasek: “No fuck u hull. Told u. No goal!!! We win!!!”
5. The State of Iran declares Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G. I. Joe: The Return of Cobra to be ‘not as good’ as any of Pixar’s movies and are officially banned from worldwide distribution. The State of Iran now recognizes Pixar as the world’s only legal, legitimate, and officially State-sanctioned animated movie company. All other movie companies are hereby ordered to shut down production immediately. All principal officers and staff must turn themselves over to Iranian police for arrest, imprisonment, and execution.
6. The State of Iran declares that Pixar’s next officially State-sanctioned movie will be Superjad, Superbad, the story of a humble Iranian boy who grows up to become a superhero President of Iran, miraculously invulnerable to all attack and able to use his superpowers and influence to defeat any and all unfavorable election results from now to the end of all sequels [Superjad, Superbad VI]. The role of President Ahmadinejad may be played by President Ahmadinejad. Or Keanu Reeves.
Tweet from marisamcs: “Pls let it be Keanu! I lv Keanu Reeves!”
7. The State of Iran declares that the eight children of Jon and Kate Gosselin are all officially State-sanctioned Iranian secret agents trained to wreak such havoc as to precipitate their parents’ public divorce and cancel their show to distract the American media from coverage of other, far, far less interesting political elections in other parts of the world. This intelligence coup demonstrates the enormous powers of influence and utter destructive capabilities Iran maintains over all U. S. TV scheduling.
Tweet from bailyC: “Good! I htd that fucking show!”
Tweet from bailyC: “Get ur agents onto Dncng w Strs. I hate that show 2.”
Tweet from bailyC: “Get ur agents onto Amercas Gt Talent 2. Fucking sux!!!”
8. The State of Iran declares a jihad against Ralph Wilson, owner of the Buffalo Bills, for signing Terrell Owens instead of an officially State-sanctioned wide receiver such as Muhsin Muhammad or Antwaan Randle El. The State of Iran further declares that The State of Iran has invaded the Buffalo Bills and now occupies them. The State of Iran declares even further that Al-Amir Hassan el Mahad is the Bills new starting quarterback for the 2009-2010 season and earned a 105.1 rating in the Iran Soccer League last season. The State of Iran also declares that Bills fans better be excited. Now. The State of Iran declares even further that Bills fans will be eating chelo kabab, koobideh, khoresht, ghormeh sabzi, ash-e anar and zereshk pollo from State-sanctioned concession stands located throughout Ahmadinejad-Khomeini Stadium in Orchard Park, NY [NOTE: Formerly Ralph Wilson Stadium]. Alcoholic beverages will be strictly prohibited but havij bestani, aab hendevaneh, and sekhanjebin will be flowing freely from the taps through all four quarters! [at reasonable prices].
Tweet from brianHUTCH: “Drnking past halftime ROX!!”
Tweet from bulldog: “If it brings chmpship then right on Iranian dudes!”
9. The State of Iran declares that all losses by the NFL franchise Iran Bills will be considered illegal and illegitimate and overturned and met with violent reprisal and death to all infidel offensive and defensive coordinators and their staffs. Death to the infidel football coaching assistants!
Tweet from mschoep: “Do u know what this means? Were unbeatable now!”
Tweet from thurmonM: “ALRIGHT!!! Go Bills!!”
10. The State of Iran declares that the Iran Bills are the Super Bowl Champions of the 2009-2010 season.
Tweet from jimkelly: “Waitd long time for this. Crying now. Can die happy.”
As reported recently in Nature magazine, archaeologists have discovered a 35,000 year-old figurine, the Hohle Fels Venus, in the southwest province of Swabia in Germany. The prehistoric artwork is notable because it depicts a woman rather hugely endowed.
Scientists are indicating that this sheds a whole new light on our understanding of the ‘development’ of homosapiens of the Cro-Magnon period. Where it was once believed our ancestors of this period had limited linguistic abilities, this figurine is painting a different picture. They now believe this significant find contributes enormously to a new understanding of Cro-Magnon man and the events leading to the statue’s creation may have gone something like this…
“Me Gronk. You woman. Woman have big things.”
Woman smiles demurely.
“Gronk no can count but woman big things big. Is good. Gronk have many friends.”
Woman looks away coyly.
“Gronk friends like woman big things, too. Gronk and many friends want woman big things.”
Woman shakes her head.
“Gronk have big stick. Woman like. Gronk many friends all have big sticks. Big sticks make big fun for woman. Woman want big sticks now?”
Woman shakes her head.
“What matter with woman?”
Woman shrugs.
“Wait. Gronk draw woman big things first.”
Gronk draws the first nude in history on the rock walls of the Hohle Fels cave.
“Gronk like drawing woman big things. Gronk take fresh mammoth poop and make statue of woman big things now.”
Gronk sculpts the now-famous figurine.
“Woman like?
Woman smiles.
“Gronk know mammoth excrement smell gross but woman big things look pretty?
Gronk gives Woman the statue. She is deeply moved despite the smell.
“Gronk show finely cultivated artistic sensibility. Gronk make woman big things in abstract cubist manner, reminiscent of Picasso in 35,000 years.”
Woman looks impressed.
“Gronk statue much better than anything that Paleosaurus-breathed Australopithecine Lucy ever did.”
Woman nods.
“Woman drink much marsh grog now. Get dizzy and make big party with Gronk and many friends. Gronk call up many friends.”
Woman nods.
“Hey Kronk! Hey Gorg! Hey Krogg! Hey Drog! Hey Dorgg! Hey Brogg! Hey Vonkk! Hey Drod! Hey Korg! Big party with woman big things.”
The Cro-Magnons gather around Gronk, grunting enthusiastically.
“Gronk and many friends create first Big Bang now. Scientists one day learn new paleo-psychological perspectives from Gronk and many friends.”
The Cro-Magnons cheer and slap Gronk on the back approvingly.
“Gronk have big stadium named after him someday. Be big hero to Jerry Jones, you see. Drink! Drink!”
To the smartest, funniest and most creative person I know, Happy Fathers Day to my father James “Daedalus” Fusco. May your posts provide everyone with just a sample of how brilliant you truly are. I am glad to be a part of it.
Love Icarus
The Cleveland Indians unveiled a brilliant extra innings secret winning strategy last Thursday night that is destined to change the complexion of baseball forever.
The Indians admitted after the game that they have been secretly training seagulls, of which there are an abundance in this Lake Erie hugging city, to recognize and understand home field advantages and utilize them in unique ways.
In last week’s game against the Kansas City Royals, the gulls were sitting in shallow left field, looking innocent and brainless and stupid, as gulls usually do [see Frame 1, below]. But when a hit came in that direction, normally a routine play for any major league outfielder, the gulls split formation, some going for the ball to deflect it while others formed a screen to shield the opposing player [Frame 2]. The hapless outfielder, Coco Crisp, became quickly confused and disoriented [Frame 3] and, as you can see from these actual stills, lost his path to the ball which allowed the winning run to score [Frame 4].
Indians manager Eric Wedge said the gulls’ effort was well coordinated. “I use hand signals to position the gulls, in this case in shallow left, then I gave Shin-Soo Shoo [the Indians’ man at the plate] a signal to aim a grounder up the middle, which he banged out precisely. On contact, the gulls then went to work, executing the strategy to flawless perfection.”
Wedge admitted the presence of the gulls onfield was clearly no accident. “We have thousands of gulls residing now at the Indians training facility and have been working on offensive and defensive drills with them for about two years. Our coaches have studied old World War II films of Japanese kamikaze pilots and we employ animal psychologists to condition the birds in acts of self-sacrifice for the greater good.
Dr. Hymen Weiss, head of the gulls’ psychological training, said this: “We drill into the birds’ little brains that Kantian internalist foundational theory provides a fairly straightforward justification of a consequentialist principle of right action, since after all, a consequentialist may be required to sacrifice an innocent person, or in this case, gull, for the greater good. So they reject the Kantian injunction to treat persons, or in this case, gulls, as ends, because it rules out the sacrifice for the greater good. Then we hit them with the Aristotlean ethical philosophy, that virtuous acts require conscious choice and moral purpose or motivation.”
And the birds actually understand this?
“Man, or in this case, gull, develops personal moral responsibility for its actions. The motivation for gulls is that they mostly squawk at each other over who gets the staff’s leftover lunch bits”, Dr. Weiss admitted. “But subconsciously, oh, they get it. When we start seeing the gulls willingly hurtle their bodies in front of blistering line drives, with no regard for their own lives, we know they’re ready for live game action. These gulls are ready for Indians baseball. These gulls are ready to win!”
Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, said after the Indians seagulls’ stunning extra innings heroics, “There is nothing in our rulebook to prevent the use of seagulls, although in the offseason we may look at rule modifications such as requiring supernumeraries, be they seagulls or whatever, to be in proper uniform.”
The Indians organization seems to have become rife with brilliance and philosophy of late. Ryan Garko, first baseman, said of the new gulls strategy, “It’s kind of funny, and kind of not funny.” Like humankind taking two centuries to figure out Beethoven’s late string quartets, it may be several generations to parse out and know exactly what Garko meant by that.
A report out of Detroit indicated that the Detroit Tigers are considering training Siberian tigers for onfield employment. An unofficial source close to the team said, “The Tigers intend to release the big cats in the outfield to help the team deal with tense in-game situations, and to rouse the home fans.”
But Mike Smith, the Tigers’ Director of Baseball Operations, would confirm only that “The Tigers organization is indeed looking for ways to incorporate this new strategy into our game and the use of Siberian tigers would be a natural connection for our team and our fans. But I can guarantee that the tigers would absolutely not be trained to harm any opposing team members, only to frighten them into not pursuing groundballs, flyballs, popups, or whatever. But”, Mr. Smith concluded, “they are Siberian tigers, after all. We won’t be able to legislate or regulate everything they do in the heat of the moment. They’ll want to win, and they’ll want that World Series trophy and their payroll share, probably apportioned to them in raw meat, so the odd accidental mauling may very well occur. Especially if we are losing. But I assure you we would only be releasing them in clutch situations.”
Below are the most enjoyable excerpts from four of this year’s many commencement addresses…
From Richard ‘Dick’ Cheney, former Vice-President of the United States, to the graduating class of Haverford College:
“… And while you’re graduating into a brutal economy, with a high jobless rate, a hollowed-out credit market, scammed investors, bankruptcies, a socialist-like takeover of our auto industry by the government, and record deficits, what I can say is… it’s not my fault. None of it. My policies all worked. I kept us safe. I kept our economy liquid and flowing. All I can tell you about that is… so? So what. Don’t be cry-babies. Too bad. Boo-hoo for you. Just remember – I did a great job. I did a better job than anyone else who has ever been Vice-President. Ever. So, what can the graduating class of 2009 do? Well, if you’ve got family already employed by Halliburton, my former company whom I helped acquire millions in government-backed contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan while Vice President, then I can help you. I can help you a lot. And I will. Here’s my cell. Those of you who are not, well, you’re on your own. You are basically fucked. Tough. And good luck. Thank you. [He turned to walk away from the dais] Pardon? What do you mean I can’t say ‘fuck’ at commencement? I just did. And it sounded great. It sounded better than when anyone else has ever said it. Ever. Have you heard of the Patriot Act? Guantanamo Bay? Next time you want to say something to me, you might want to keep those two things in mind. And FBI wiretaps. Now, you were saying? [Silence] Yeah, that’s what I thought…”
From Rick Wagoner, former CEO of General Motors, to the graduating class of Motorcycle Mechanics Institute:
“… And always aim for the highest dreams, the highest ideals possible. At General Motors I introduced the concept of restructuring to the company in 2004 and proceeded to restructure it 437,628 times, creating a company so vitally and valuably restructured to our nation’s socio-economic fabric that our government decided to purchase a majority interest in it. I take great pride in that. They didn’t try taking over Lehman Brothers or Washington Mutual, did they? No. They liquidated them. And they sold Chrysler to Fiat, didn’t they? Yes. But my company – now 70% U. S. government owned! I stand before you a proud man today! I never thought I would be personally fired by a current President of the United States. Imagine that. Me, little Ricky Wagoner from Wilmington, Delaware, fired personally by the most powerful man in the world! It’s amazing! Dreams do come true! So my message to you today is simply this – dream. And restructure. Restructure everything. Frequently. Your life, your companies, your marriages, your kids, your garages, your closets – restructuring frequently is sure to raise the stakes of success so high that you, too, may one day reach the pinnacle of success that I did and be fired by your country’s President. This is still America, ladies and gentlemen, the land of dreams and opportunity! Never give up!…”
From Joseph R. Biden, Jr., Vice-President of the United States, to the graduating class of Syracuse University:
“…Your hands are on the steering wheel of the automobile. It’s going straight. That’s right, straight. And one slight turn, just slightly in one direction, say left, sends the car in a direction fundamentally different and initially unalterable to the direction it’s been going in. That’s all it took. Just a slight turn. Left, in this case. As our future leaders you must know that that is all it takes to make change in our lives as Americans. Just that slight turn. And then you are going straight in an entirely new direction. That’s right, straight. And then, one slight turn again, just slightly in one direction, say left again, sends the car in a direction fundamentally different and unalterable to the direction it’s been going in again. And that’s still all it took. Just another slight turn. Left, again, in this case. That is all it takes. Just that slight turn. And then you are going straight in an entirely new direction. That’s right, straight. Now let’s consider a whole new direction, a paradigm shift of direction. Your hands are still on that steering wheel of that automobile. It’s going straight. That’s right, straight. And one slight turn, just slightly in one direction, right this time, sends the car in a direction fundamentally different and initially unalterable to the direction it’s been going in. That’s it. Just a slight turn. Right. Just that slight turn changes everything. What I’m saying is this… few people — few generations — get to put their hands on a steering wheel at that moment. Excuse me while I take a drink… Now where was I?… um… look, is there anybody out there still awake?… Anybody?… Hello?…”
From Susan Boyle, worldwide singing sensation, to the graduating class of Cambridge University:
“…The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun! Just thinking about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, ’til there’s none! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, you’re always a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I— oh, bugger that! Enough already! I’ve had it! I’ve had it with people following me around all day and taking my picture and wanting my autograph and not leaving me alone! I’m sick of the limelight and the worldwide attention and everybody climbing into my eyebrows every minute of everyday! I’m sick of it all! And I’m tired! Darn tired! And while I’m at it, what is this ‘second place’ business, anyway? Second?? Me??? I’m a worldwide sensation! A phenomenon! Phenomenons don’t place second! Phenomenons don’t lose to – what’s their name again? Derivative? Yes, I think that’s it. What’s the matter with everyone??? I have the most downloads of any artist or tune in history! That’s history, people! How many downloads did Elaine Page have this month? You math grads – say it with me: NONE! That’s right! How many did Frank Sinatra have this month? Everybody now, say it with me: ZERO! And me – altogether now – the MOST IN HISTORY! You’re all Cambridge grads, you all know what history is, don’t you??? Well, you know what? That’s it! I quit! You hear me? No more Britain’s Got Talent for me! Bollocks to that! I’m going solo! My own album! My way! Oh yes I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried, and now, as tears subside, to think I did all that; And may I say – not in a shy way, No, oh no not me, I’ll do it myyyy waaaayyy!
Icarus visited his hometown of Niagara Falls recently after being away for a year and a half. Here is a photo of he and a couple of his friends ‘brinking’ playfully at ‘The Falls’:
PUBLIC SAFETY WARNING: Do not attempt this on your next vacation to Niagara Falls!
Icarus, as a native son of Niagara, has received special training and instruction since he was a boy in what is historically known there as ‘brinking’. He possesses, like most everyone born in Niagara Falls, his official ‘Certification in Niagara Falls Brinking, Master Status’, and has the document proudly framed and hanging in his bedroom.
Certified Niagarans [also known as Fallsies] know how to negotiate the fearsome riptides and unpredictable rushes of water at the brink of The Falls that can lead to certain, horrible, and horrifying death. Everyone professionally trained in brinking is very, very careful not to actually swim over the waterfalls’ edge, a mistake uncertified amateurs not born in Niagara Falls have been known to make.
REMINDER: Although brinking is legal for certified Niagarans such as Icarus, going over the Falls is definitely not. Anyone attempting to do so would be charged with public mischief and face a very stiff fine [$500,000] as well as several years in solitary confinement at the National Penitentiary, located on Main Street in Thorold. Assuming they survive, that is. Most do not. For those who don’t, the historical tradition, begun in 1611 and still observed today, is to have the corpses placed on public display at City Hall on Queen Street in the City of Niagara Falls for a period of exactly six days, followed by interment in one of the many, many thousands of unmarked tourist graves located throughout the otherwise picturesque and beautiful Niagara Peninsula.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Even if someone loses their life attempting to brink The Falls, the fine is still assessed posthumously to any surviving family members.
Actually, this is a Top Nine list. Why nine and not ten? Because nine is a significant symbolic number, thought by the ancient Hebrews to represent immutable truth. Therefore, you should not argue with any of the following. Or you may find locusts in your jacuzzi tomorrow. Drinking all of your Heineken. And eating your stash of Big Cheetos. And hogging your big screen TV. And…
1. ‘Follow Me’ [on Twitter] ‘leads’ to no good.
The new pop cultural mantra creates this conundrum – with everyone following everyone, who leads? The answer: no one. And this leads directly to the end of all things as we know it, for there is nobody leading anybody anywhere. We are all following each other [on Twitter] to oblivion. Centuries from now, alien medical researchers will one day conclude that Twitter had to be some kind of twenty-first century viral plague, like the Bubonic Plague or Black Death, that led every living thing to its utter and totally leaderless demise.
2. American Idol attracts nearly 100 million votes from people with really nothing better to do.
I work in a couple of different places and know a large number of people. Not one of them cast one single vote for an American Idol. Not one. I think there are probably 756 13-year-old girls who voted about 119,050 times to elect a vapid cutey-pie face as this year’s singing sensation. That means 756 13-year-old airheaded girls are forming cultural policy, taking a position as our cultural trendsetters. And to disastrous effect, surely bringing about the end of all civilized things as we know them. Centuries from now, alien religious scholars will one day argue that, despite prevailing evidence in our ruins of a leaderless shambles engulfing everything, that actually a great human goddess of worship must have led all her followers, using Twitter, to vote in favor of some form of mass immolation that killed all human life on this planet. And that her name was Brianna.
3. A person falls as far as a person can fall, as far a fall as Lucifer plummeting out of Heaven.
Surely this is a most portentous sign of the End of Days – Ryan Leaf, former NFL number two draft pick, one-time holder of an $11 million a year contract, one-time big-time quarterback for the San Diego Chargers, certainly the most glorious and envied position in all of professional sports, has been indicted on drug possession, trafficking, and burglary charges and, if convicted, faces twenty-plus years in a federal penitentiary. A Lucifier-like fall from grace that must certainly be emblematic of the end of everything!
4. Worldwide sales of Chateau Lafitte drop by 13%!
What are people drinking, then??? Chateau des Charmes, for heaven’s sake??? When people stop drinking a great, expensive wine like this one, it surely is one of the great signs of the end of civilization and the end of the world. What’s next? Sales of Abbaye de Saint Bon-Chien dropping, too??? [this is the world’s most expensive beer at $35 per bottle] Scandalous!! Outrageous!! It must be the end of everything, then!!
5. Despite millions in sponsorships and marketing muscle, a new American Idol feature song can demonstrate no creativity whatsoever.
American Idol‘s feature new song, No Boundaries, could be re-titled No Musical or Lyrical Cliche Left Unused Within These Boundaries. Not that last years’ The Time of My Life was anything but mediocre pap – it was – but artistic and creative bankruptcy is a sure sign of intellectual vapidity and the end of all things as we know them. Centuries from now, alien ethnomusicologists will one day conclude that, after listening to old recordings of No Boundaries, humans heads must have all exploded en masse, suddenly ending all intelligent life on Earth forever.
6. Porsche agrees to a takeover of sorts by Volkswagen after trying to take over Volkswagen.
A great design and engineering company, Porsche [worldwide sales: $3 billion], has had their takeover attempt of ‘the people’s car’ company Volkswagen [worldwide sales: $13 billion] reversed and now the great company is being co-opted by the commoner’s company. A reverse coup similar to the barbarian Visigoths defeating the Roman army, symbolic of the run-amok end result of the end of all things. What’s next? Vauxhall acquiring BMW in a hostile takeover??? We might as well all just kill ourselves now. Centuries from now, alien engineers will one day reconstruct a Volkswagen Golf and a Porsche Carrera and think humans were all nuts.
7. Mindless repetition multiplies like an uncontrollable virus.
The forensic science/murder mystery TV show format continues to propogate: NCIS Los Angeles is next! CSI: Infinitum and Law and Order: Infinitum are all being renewed! We seem to be heading toward a 24-hour 7-day-a-week forensic science/murder mystery schedule where everything’s exactly the same! We are being gradually lulled into ennui by the comfort of the robotically over-familiar, leading to a loss of initiative, a loss of sense and purpose [not to mention sensibility], and a loss of our own manifest destiny to catastrophic effect! Remember what historian Arnold Toynbee warned: “Civilizations in decline are consistently characterised by a tendency towards standardization and uniformity.” Centuries from now, alien archaeologists will one day determine that the cessation of our great civilization was all due to bad TV!
8. Jim Bean is marketing a flavored bourbon – Black Cherry!
When iconoclastic experimentation leads to the destruction of tradition – flavored bourbon??? – the warp and woof of society in all its inherited glory comes crashing down around us. What’s next? Flavored vodka??? [Oh wait, that’s been done] Jack Daniels Mint Julep and Rose Hip Bourbon??? Woodford Reserve Chocolate Almond Blueberry Bourbon??? The end of our great institutions surely signals the end of all things cherishable, and the end of everything! Centuries from now, alien sociologists will one day find caseloads of flavored bourbon in the ruins of our civilization and, upon taste-testing them, finally understand everything.
9. These three words – Nazi, revenge, and fantasy – are being used together for entertainment purposes.
Quentin Tarantino’s newest film, Inglorious Basterds, is thusly described. Comic book-style action movies continue to dominate the film business, and audiences get dumber and dumber [hey, isn’t that a movie, too? Of course it is!]. We’ve traveled a long, downward slope to Aesthetic Nowheresville from the heights of suave sophistication [Jean Renoir, Francois Truffaut, Orson Welles, Jon Huston, Howard Hawkes, etc.] to cartoonish Nazi revenge stories. Surely such a reach into the abyss constitutes a desperate creative gambit signifying nothing but the end for us all. Centuries from now, alien cultural anthropologists will one day determine that the Beast from the Abyss, as described in the Book of Revelations, was actually Quentin Tarantino, and he brought our world to its final Waterloo with increasingly lousy follow-ups to Pulp Fiction that destroyed our will to live. When they finally behold Tarantino’s picture, they will conclude also that he looks like the Beast from the Abyss and so surely, then, must be the one who fulfilled the prophecy of Revelations. With his girlfriend, Brianna.
Icarus Landing 