The Annual Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree!

The Christmas shopping season is here and that means just one thing – the Official Icarus Landing Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree! Woo-hoo! So without further ado, here, below, with pictures, are some of the cool, cool, cool gifts that nobody asked for and that I’ve gotten for people on my Christmas list while thoroughly, completely, blissfully, and totally blitzed out of my skull…

The Versatile Mixing Bowl

This awesome, awesome mixing bowl is a gift for Icarus, who is enjoying cooking a great deal. Apparently you can do a lot of different things with this bowl, mixing included, because it has a wide opening and holds lots and lots of various fluids and solids and things and can be used in the kitchen or bedside if needed. Merry Christmas, son! You just know your Dad loves you very much when you get a gift this good!

‘The Grand Ruler’ Anubis Statue

This is one of my ‘big’ gifts for Mrs. Daedalus this year. By big I mean over eight feet tall. Why? Well, this is The Official Icarus Landing Drunken Christmas Shopping Spree! I don’t have to have a good reason. I guess because except for the weird pseudo animal-like pagan worship head, it kind of reminds me of me – swarthy and muscular, good-looking in a short gold skirt, ready to protect my bride’s Egyptian palace [yeah, we have one. What of it?]. And only $1,799 – a steal to boot! Best thing of all about it? Comes complete with scepter and ankh. That’s right! Scepter and ankh!

The Sarcophagus of King Tuthankhaman Bookshelf Cabinet

This is a gift for The Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Thomus. From Design Toscano for only $800 and because when I see the word ’sarcophagus’, it just makes me all giggly inside and makes me think about Thomus and go all soft and stuff. And because he always gets me something nice for Christmas, too, like beer. For $20.

The Inada Sogno ‘Dreamwave’

This is just a little something I bought for myself – a total massage total high tech total body total chair, just $6,499 [seriously!]. Aka The Expensive Chair Thingy. Did I mention this is for me? As in, when I’m sober? As in, for nobody else! After all, it’s Christmas! Just a minor little indulgence, since the success of IL has made me such a wealthy man.

The Risen Jesus Statue

This is the ‘perfect’ gift for The Other Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Ernestus, because he is an avowed atheist and this will really piss him off. But in a good way! In a ho-ho-ho way! Right? Jeez, I thought about him the second I saw this! So he better like it! After all, it includes the rough-hewn stone that was rolled away and the inscription of John 11:25-2!!! At $650, that’s almost a bargain! Almost.

The Meditation Grotto of Sorrento

This is a Christmas gift not for a person, but for a yard. The yard of The Other Official Uncle of Icarus Landing, Uncle Ernestus, just in case he’s not already pissed off enough because, after all, it’s Christmas! This timeless, European-style grotto is 10 feet tall and about 420 pounds and, don’t you agree?, creates an instant, ‘destination spot’ for religious meditation in the middle of Uncle Ernestus’s yard. Did I mention he’s an avowed atheist? Good times! I think he should put it in his front yard, not his back, don’t you?

The King Tutankhamen’s Egyptian Throne Chair

Jeez, there’s a lot of Egyptian thematic content and subtext here. What’s that about? I don’t know what makes me go all Egyptian when I get drinking at Christmas, but apparently, when drunk, Christmas reminds me of ancient Egypt and all the fun they had during the Christmas season getting Jewish slaves to make egg nog for them and wrap their presents and force Santa’s elves to build their pyramids and stuff. Must have been another life for me. Yeah, that’s it! I get weepy and sentimental and think about ancient Egypt! At $895, who wouldn’t get weepy! I will give this gift to The Official Brother of Icarus Landing, Christophacus, who, if you know him, know that he deserves a 185 pound throne in his house if anybody does! Son, this is the gift that says your Dad knows you well and loves you lots!

The ‘Christmas Story’ Leg Lamp

One of those ‘perfect’ gifts for Icarus, because this is his favorite Christmas movie. Only $199, and totally worth it, and because the sheer black stocking style will look great in a contrasting way in his stylish, coolly contemporary, non-kitschy designer home. It made Ralphie’s Dad proud, it will do the same for Icarus! And the Official Girlfriend of Icarus Landing, Karacus, will love it also.

The Legless Person’s Portable Home

Keeping with the leg theme established above, this is for The Official Twin Brother of Icarus Landing, Brettacus, also step brother to Spartacus, who was, as you can guess by this photo, born with no torso. This portable, tent-like little house will be perfect for him as right now he lives on a shelf in one of our closets. Best thing about it? It prevents insulation dust particles from being pulled in! You’re welcome, son!! This is like our own Tiny Tim at home getting saved in the end of A Christmas Carol, isn’t it? Just says I love you over and over again, without saying I wish you had a torso, son.

The Replica Captain Kirk’s Chair

Another perfect gift! This one’s for Skeets, The Official Cousin Skeets of Icarus Landing. Yes, the first officially licensed replica features a working swivel design, light-up controls and, get this, sound effects from the legendary Star Trek series! It will look fantastic in their living room!!! And at only $2,717 [actual price], will provide a lifetime of joy for Skeets and his family, especially his mother-in-law, who will never forget this!

The New Christmas Outfit

Why, for The Official Mother of Icarus Landing, Mrs. Daedalus, of course, and me. Of course. Mrs. Daedalus is a scientific curiosity – like Benjamin Button, she is aging in reverse! It’s true! This year, several people who haven’t seen her in years said to her, “You’re looking younger!” And she is! These same people say nothing to me. Fine, I get it. Anyway, with one of these on, Christmas night will feel like high school again!!! Hurray for Christmas!!!

Okay, that’s it, everybody! Hope you enjoy the IL Christmas and Holidays this year! Catch you in the New Year!

The Fun Art of Naming Cars

Did you know that Ford once employed a Poet Laureate?

Oh yes!, we say resoundingly. To name new cars more poetically, and hopefully excitingly, and to kickstart their stuck development team, the carmaker in 1955 contracted with Marianne Moore, the American writer, who then served for one brief season as the Ford Motor Company’s unofficial poet laureate. Some of her new car name suggestions were:

The Ford Silver Sword

Intelligent Bullet

The Ford Fabergé

Mongoose Civique

Anticipator

Pastelogram

Astranaut

Utopian Turtletop

Okay, then. Well, clearly, those weren’t very good. And Ford agreed, politely rejecting all of Moore’s suggestions. But now, after the government has bought two-thirds of the domestic auto industry in an effort to raise it out of its ongoing malaise, why not have Icarus Landing name new lines of cars? And not just for GM and Chrysler, for everybody! Yes, Icarus Landing – Poet Laureate to the World’s Finest Automobiles! Great idea! We here at Icarus Landing officially love this idea! So here, already, are some of our suggestions for all the new models coming out soon:

The New Saturn Skeletal Articulator IV [The 'Boney']

The New Skion Skionic Iambic Pentamatic Poet Rocket

The New GM Opal Opalesque Not Ecru Hardshell Soft Top Semi-Convertible

The New Yugo Chugger

The New Kia-2-Kia Kollider

The New BMW 930 Lambent Lustrositor

The New Cadillac Signature ‘M’ Series: ESM – Ego Supremacy Maker

The New Cadillac Signature ‘M’ Series: FSM – Fiduciary Capitalism Motorcar

The New Cadillac Cadillaclysm

The New Aston-Martin Circumlocutory Ambulator

The New Bentley RFC – Rich Fat Cats Ridin’ Smoothmobile

The New Chrysler GTO Deucecoup Roadster – The Douche Louche

The New Rolls Royce Silver Poor People Dreamcrusher

The New Volkswagen Kunsellschafttenburgenweinerschnitzenhosenliederwaffen [Note: Can be shortened to 'Kunsellschafttenburgenweinerschnitzenhosenliederwaffe']

The New Buick Blutoothacher

The New Ferrari S6 You So Can’t Afford This Sportster

The New Hyundai Brutalesque Bloodly

The New China Motors Hummer H4 Yellow Brutality Mao-chine

The New China Motors Hummer H5 Communist Red Ryder Mao-chine

The New China Motors Hummer H6 Disconnect Your Bones Smooth Riding Mao-chine

The New Mercedes Benz Lower Classes Economic Masherbach

The New Mercedes Benz Snobbilyric Ciceronian LC Series

The New GM ‘GM’ – The General Moneymauler

The New Porsche Out-of-the-Boxster Richly Impossibler

The New Toyota Echoes of Ugliness

The New Toyota Canwe – Can We Design This Any Uglier?

The New Lexus Attitudinal Superioritor XC

The New Jaguar XJ2-Poor Then Don’t Even Think About Coming Near Me Ever Sedan

The New Jaguar XJ2-Poor Then Don’t Even Think About Touching Me Ever Coupe

The New Land Rover R2-Hundred Grander Marquis

The New Volvo Affluence Assurancer C100 SUV

The New Lamborghini Gold Dome Treasury on Wheels Countach

The New Maserati Stocks Reserves and Property Abundant Plenituder LTD

The New Saab 9-5 Urbane Wellgroomer

The New Chevy Volt-aire Candide-alon Vive Le Ohmic Resistance!

Actual Unretouched Photos!

Since the Brad Pitt Face post I did two weeks ago, I’ve received a lot of requests – you could say a sleigh full – for more photos of me. Readers’ curiosity is insatiable! Whoever would have thought! I was going to do what I do best – ignore them – until I read this article about legislation being introduced in France requiring all digitally altered photographs used in advertising to be labeled as ‘Retouched’. It got me thinking, a bit, about photo preparation and alteration, retouching, and branding. Here’s an excerpt from the article I read…

“…Some think such a law would destroy photographic art; some think it might help reduce anorexia; some say the idea is aimed at the wrong target, given that nearly every advertising photograph is retouched. Others believe such a label might sensitize people to the fakery involved in most of the advertising images with which they’re bludgeoned. Underneath it all is an emotional debate about what it is to be attractive or unattractive, and whether the changing ideals of beauty — from Sophia Loren to Twiggy — have ever been realistic. Michelangelo painted idealized bodies, so the idea of idealized beauty was already there… It’s a fake debate…”

There was a recent fuss about this bizarre retouching of the model Filippa Hamilton for a Ralph Lauren ad. Look at these two photos closely – the one on the left is unaltered while the right picture, from ads that ran in Japan, is retouched so weirdly that her waist appears to be the same width as her head:

Personally, I am thoroughly put off by this whole idea of fashionable idealism by artifice, using retouching and airbrushing techniques. The Botticellianesque counterfeiting of the human body, the rampage of artificiality, the mock run amok, the  beau ideal become faux ideal - I find it utterly laughable and yet annoying, even a touch offensive. Countless magazine covers featuring porcelain-perfect, moleless, pimpleless, hairless, sun spotless, scarless, stretch markless facial and body skin, and hourglass figures where beer barrels once existed, combining to make everything about celebrity, about media-drenched modern society, about pop culture generally, illusory, fake, and shallow. I, for one, lose all interest in whatsoever is not so real.

Therefore, in answer to your innumerable requests for “More Daedalus, please!”, and in the spirit of authenticity and humble genuiousness, here is my early Christmas present to all of my readers, subscribers, and fans – my full-bodied, actual, unretouched and unaltered photo of myself in high resolution, suitable for downloading, printing, and framing.

Let’s call this the Christmas season spirit of veracity and full disclosure!

Merry Christmas to you all for 2009!

Cheney Slams Obama for Turkey Pardon

In a speech to the American Enterprise Institute, former Vice President Richard ‘Dick’ Cheney slammed President Barack Obama for the pardoning of a suspicious Thanksgiving turkey without first according the bird proper detention and interrogation, as recommended by the National Security Administration.

Following is excerpted content from Mr. Cheney’s speech:

“As a practical matter, turkeys may lack much, but they have never lacked for grievances against the United States. Our belief in freedom of hunting turkeys… our belief in rights for chickens… our support for bald eagles… our cultural and political influence in the duck and goose world and other holiday dinner birds… these are the true sources of resentment, all mixed in with the lies and conspiracy theories of radical turkeys who are being trained by our enemies in Afghanistan and Iraq then imported onto our shores.

“It is a longstanding populist tradition to nickname turkeys ‘Tom’ in this country but that can make Americans very complacent to the threat posed by these birds. I have it on good authority, information derived from our interrogation of high value terrorists, that many of these imported turkeys are not ‘Tom’ Turkeys at all – the ‘Tom’ is an Americanized derivative of the name ‘Hartoum’. These birds originated in Turkey after all which, if you look closely at any standard atlas, you’ll see is very close to Afghanistan. Too close.

“Do you really think it is a mere coincidence that a President whose middle name is Hussein pardoned a turkey he dubbed ‘Courage’ but whose real name is Hartoum? Do you really?”

“For all that we’ve gained by massacring turkeys for service to the American dinner plate on Thanksgiving, even Christmas for those who eschew ducks, geese, and hams, or Easter for that matter, the United States has never lost its moral bearings. And when the moral reckoning turns to the turkeys known as high-value terrorist-trained and imported turkeys, as represented by the pardoned Hartoum, I can assure you we were justified to suspect them and right to act.

“Thanksgiving notswithstanding, it has always been considered an honor and a duty that turkeys sacrifice themselves for national holiday meals from sea to sea. Policies developed through Homeland Security and the NSA ensure that these traditions continue for generations. But now this great American tradition is under grave threat. That is why pardoning this turkey was flatly contrary to the national security interest of the United States. The harm done only begins with top secret information allowed to remain in the hands of these turkeys, who wander our farmlands freely gathering information for their terrorist trainers to be used in a hostile manner against chickens, roosters, ducks, geese, quail, Cornish hens, guineafowl, pheasants, peafowl, pigeons, even swans and doves.

“Our interrogation methods for radical turkeys, developed with high precision, saved many other birds bound for our holiday dinner plates by providing us with intelligence to intercept calls and track contacts between foreign operatives and these birds inside the United States. In the years after 9/11, our government also understood that the safety of the country required collecting information known only to the worst of the turkeys. And in a few cases, that information could be gained only through tough interrogations.

“President Obama’s own Director of National Intelligence, Admiral Blair, has put it this way: “High value information came from interrogations in which those methods were used and provided a deeper understanding of the radical turkey breeding and indoctrination organization that is undermining this country’s most cherished holiday meals.” End quote. It is a fact that only detainees of the highest intelligence value were ever subjected to enhanced interrogation. You’ve heard endlessly about waterfowl boarding. I was and remain a strong proponent of such enhanced interrogation techniques for turkeys. The interrogations were used on hardened birds who would be tough and tasteless cooked anyway, even if doused with herb butter, after other efforts failed. They were legal, essential, justified, successful, and the right thing to do.

“To the very end of our administration, we kept illegal immigrant radical turkeys busy with other problems. We focused on getting their secrets, instead of sharing ours with them. And on our watch, they never disrupted this country’s Thanksgiving dinners. That is a record to be praised and continued until the danger has passed. Thank you.”

After the speech Cheney also lambasted White House staff for placing on YouTube a ‘turkey-eye view’ video tour of the walk from the White House gates to the Oval Office. “Terrorists downloading this video have access to national secrets that may be revealed in the filming. Certainly, the now have a clear map of the lawns, which would allow them to plot a successful invasion of the grass leading up to and surrounding the building.”

And Cheney’s speech did contain a touch of the ironic – the tradition of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving actually began in 1989 under President George H. W. Bush, when Cheney was a member of the elder Bush’s White House staff.

Print Me a Brad Pitt Face!

I decided it was time for one of those Makeovers. Literally. Tired of the goofy-looking face I see in the mirror every morning, I ordered a new one – Brad Pitt’s – using a revolutionary, technological marvel called a Bioprinter. After all, it’s Christmas!

The Bioprinter is being developed at University of Missouri-Columbia as part of the Frontiers of Integrative Biological Research Program, supported by the National Science Foundation. Its purpose is to further advance our understanding of self-assembly during the organization of cells and tissues into functional organ modules. In other words, to create organs, body parts, using bioprinting technology, which operates with bioink particles of cells to assemble an anatomical organ bit by bit until it is whole. Think of an inkjet printer producing an illustration of a heart; now think of it as real, three dimensional, and fully functioning.

Here is an illustration of the Bioprinter:

So I had an idea: skin is the largest of human organs, fully replicable tissue. Why not map Brad Pitt’s face and then do a martini cocktail mix of his and mine, letting the Bioprinter create the final result!

So, here is my goofy face getting mapped by the Bioprinter:

Here is Brad Pitt’s getting mapped on the Bioprinter:

And here is the resulting masterpiece, the blend of Daedalus and Brad Pitt, which we will now call, Bradalus!

I like it! Cool, yes?

All I can say now is, Merry Christmas, Mrs. Daedalus!!! [or should I say, Merry Christmas, Mrs. Bradalus!!!]

And maybe even Merry Christmas, Angelina Jolie!!! [Hey, who knows? An improvement is an improvement. Could be...]

Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering!

Icarus Landing loves dining out in fine restaurants. Most of the time, the experience is good, although the quality of waitering is a little unpredictable – sometimes too rushed, sometimes too slow, sometimes too attentive, sometimes too inattentive – you probably know what we’re talking about. So, we’ve developed this Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering! Don’t be one of those boring, stuffy waiters any longer – be a Fun Waiter! Join the revolution now! This is an Icarus Landing exclusive!

 

1. Don’t be one of those unoriginal waiters who greets everyone with a dull, simple “Good evening” or “Good afternoon.” [Hint: Boring!] Be original and creative! Invent a phrase of macaronic words [mixing foreign languages] first, before your actual greeting. For example: Guests enter the restaurant. You: “Ah, je suis dictum ben penoya pon frair and good evening!” Translation: There isn’t one. It’s utterly nonsensical. But it sounds suave, sophisticated, even sexy, and it really impresses people! After that, just watch your tips go up up up!

 

2. When a party of three enters the restaurant and you just know they’re artsy, literary types, and they want to be seated while they wait for their fourth to arrive, don’t just take them to their table [Hint: Boring!] Refuse! And shout out something when you do, like, “J’accuse!!!” Then walk away. They’ll think you so entertainingly sophisticated, so divinely avant-garde, they’ll give you an appropriately cosmopolitan [read: large] tip because they’ll feel compelled by their inner pretentiousness to do so! [especially if they're Emile Zola fans]

 

3. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, don’t just offer a free drink or hors d’ouevre [Hint: Boring!]. Say, specifically, “Would you like a free amuse-bouche?” And when they agree, do this: Laugh out loud suddenly and yell “Bouche!” at the top of your lungs. Then say, “See? Get it? Amuse bouche. Ha-ha-ha bouche!” Your guests will kill themselves laughing! Then watch those tips go up up up!

 

4. When it comes to bringing water to the table, do this: “Bottled water or–” then make a face and a sound effect, like, ewww-yuck, “tap water?” They’ll love the animation and choose the bottled water every time, which is great because your restaurant charges $4 per bottle [as opposed to zero for tap], which then skyrockets their bill and, best of all, your gratuity, which goes up up up! [NOTE: We call this 'Tip Ka-Ching']

 

5. If your guests are not yet ready to order, don’t just walk away [Hint: Boring!]. Wait there! Dip your fingers in their water glasses and circle the rims of their glasses! Musical sound emanates!!! They’ll love this! And what they’ll love even more? Sing along!!! Opera arias are good, or cowboy songs. Whatever! Then watch those tips go up up up! [especially if you can sing]

 

6. Boring waiters say nothing at all when guests are ordering off the menu. Fun Waiters do! Try the Olympic Judging Game: When a guest orders, yell out “Eight!” Guests will warm to this, trust me! Next guest orders, yell out, “Nine!”. They’ll get the idea, and they’ll get excited! With a really fun group, try the Old Soviet-Communist Bloc Variation: When another guest orders the exact same thing, yell out “Five!” Your table will be laughing their heads off, and you know what that means – Tip Ka-Ching!

 

7. Bland waiters never ‘hustle’ menu items. For Fun Waiters, everything is a different [and better] story! Arrange with the restaurant owners in advance to pay you a 10% commission on any menu item or ingredient they’ve overstocked and need to move. Encourage guests that is the best thing on the menu, that it’s the Chef’s Specialty! Become an Ingredient Pimp! Remember, Fun Waiters are Smart Waiters! Your wallet will be glad you did!

 

8. Waiters are often told to never touch a customer [Hint: Boring!]. When you talk to your guests, put your hand gently on their shoulders and rub a little. It’s warm and friendly. If they look a little stressed, put your receipt book down and get in there and rub their neck and shoulders! If they look a little dusty, dust them off! If they’re a little wet, wipe them off! If they’re sweating, dab them off! This kind of extra personal attention means everything to modern restaurant goers. You’ll see. Do it! Then watch those tips go up up up!

 

9. This restaurant game will always result in bigger tips for you. It’s called ‘Chef the Twin’. If your guest is having trouble making a decision, offer to bring out the head chef, which will impress your guests immensely. Then, go into the kitchen, put on a chef’s jacket and chef’s hat, and return to the table speaking bits and pieces of  another language with a thick accent. “Bonjour, comme-ca-va? Mes oui, you should have les escargots, for sure! Merci!” If someone asks, “Hey, aren’t you the same guy who is waiting on us?”, just say, “That is my, how do you say, twin! We are both working here cette nuit to help our poor mere who is sick in l’hopitale, non?” Makes a fabulous impression and with the sympathy factor thrown in, translation: big money!

 

10. Guests just love laughing in a restaurant. If one of your female guests is dressed a little tartily, lean over with a smirk and say something like, “Would you care for a WHORE d’ouevre, madame?” Your guests will laugh so hard they will pee their pants! And you know what all that pee means – Tip Ka-Ching!

 

11. Don’t be one of those prim and proper waiters who only addresses guests as Sir, Ma’am, or Miss [Hint: Boring!]. Every night, choose one of your male guests at random and, every time you pass near his table, point and yell at the top of your lungs, “Dude!!!” They’ll love it! To paraphrase Napoleon the Pig in Animal Farm, All Guests Are Created Equal, But Some Are More Equal Than Others. Because those who are More Equal will tip you much, much better than those who are Less Equal!

 

12. Subtlety pays. When one of your guests orders a cheaper item from the menu, don’t look disapprovingly at him or her. Hem and haw but just a little. Say “Hmmm…”. Then move on to the next guest. When they order a more expensive item, praise them to the heavens. “Excellent choice! Oh, fantastic! You’ll love it!” Then return to the previous guest with a tincture of sympathy in your voice: “Are you really sure you wouldn’t rather change your mind, now? I think you’ll be glad you did…” Almost always, they do and order the more expensive thing. Never give up!

 

13. Don’t be one of those jerk waiters who won’t serve anything out of the kitchen that looks creepy or runny or just wrong [Hint: Boring!]. Serve it! Serve it all! Say to your guests, “Personally, I wouldn’t feed this crap to a sewer rodent. If I were you, I’d bitch to the manager. He’ll totally comp you for this, trust me.” Your guests will love you for it!!! And you know what that means – watch those tips go up up up!

 

14. Dull waiters watch their guests like silent sentries, respect their privacy, and never interrupt their conversations for any reason [Hint: Boring!]. Fun Waiters eavesdrop constantly, then ‘drop in’ unexpectedly and tell each table what the other is saying, whispering like this: “The woman in the blue dress at Table 8 over there had a breast enlargement last month.” Guests love this, especially when it’s full of salacious details! Try the Hello Dolly Variation: When you have single tables, tell each that the other has inquired about them [whether they have or not]. Who knows! When it works, they shower you with tips, become regulars, and shower you with more tips! Plus you get wedding invitations, Christmas gifts, the works! Even a one in five ratio improves your quality of life and quantity of income immeasurably!

 

15. If invited by your guests to join them in an alcoholic beverage, do it!!! Don’t be one of those stick-in-the-mud waiters who says, “Not when I’m on duty.” [Hint: Boring!] Duty-shmuty! What are they, brain surgeons or something??? Jeez Louise, come on! Your guests love inebriated waiters, especially when you become funny when drunk! Drink up! You know what it means, right? Watch those tips go up up up!

 

16. Don’t be one of those uptight, Calvinist waiters who never curses, no matter what [Hint: Boring!]. Size up your guests first – if you feel they’re hip and with it, lighten it up a bit. Don’t just say, “The foie gras is perhaps an indelicate choice, ma’am.” Instead, say something like, “Foie gras? Now that is some fucked up shit, man!” Hip guests love that shit! Watch those tips go up up up!

 

17. Don’t be one of those buttoned-up waiters who never talks to guests about others [Hint: Boring!]. Get real! People love gossip, and restaurant goers are people, too! So, when you are with your guests, do something like, point to a fellow waitress and say, “You guys see her? She’s banging the sous chef!” Your guests will think it’s absolutely hysterical, and will reward you with 25% and 30% gratuities minimum, guaranteed!

 

18. Remember that you are not there just to serve, you are there to educate! Bring judgment with the ketchup! Bring sass with A-1 sauce. I mean, come on! Ketchup??? HP Sauce??? Sheesh!

 

19. A Fun Waiter understands that restaurant diners, like sex partners, come in two types: Dominators/Dominatrices and Supplicants/Submissives. Be respectful and treat them appropriately! When you bring out the pepper mill to a Dominator/Dominatrix, hand it to him or her to use themselves and then ask if they would like to spank you with it. If they would, turn around and bend over helpfully. When you bring the pepper mill to a Supplicant/Submissive, refuse to use it until they beg you for it. Order them to say please! Yell! Order them to say pretty please! Both types will pleasure your wallet handsomely once suitably satisfied, believe me!

 

20. Remember: Never ever blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. A restaurant is like a mini city – there are lots and lots of people working there you can blame for everything! The Executive Chef, the sous chefs, the chef de partie,  busboys, the hostesses, the dishwashers– the list is practically endless! Repeat this over and over to yourself: It’s their fault! Your tip pocket will thank you later!

 

21. A clumsy though thoughtful waiter who drips or spills something on his or her guests will clean it up or offer to pay for professional cleaning or whatever. This is just stupid. The correct thing to do if you drip or spill something on a guest is nothing. If they notice it, tell them you saw them do it earlier but were too polite to say anything, then offer to pay for their dry cleaning anyway. They’ll feel so bad, and yet be so grateful and impressed with you that they’ll double or triple your tip. Believe me, this works!

 

22. Subliminal messaging works! As you walk through the restaurant, whisper regularly and just loud enough so it catches your guests’ ears. Here are some suggestions: “Twenty percent tip.” Figure out the most expensive item on the menu and whisper it: “Kobe beefsteak.” Up-sell constantly: “Irish coffee.” This technique works, believe me!

 

23. Always remember: allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill your guests. When this happens, it is not gauche to remind the surviving guest[s] that this was strictly the chef’s fault, and should in no way affect the amount of your tip.

 

24. Here’s another great, money-making point further to providing laughter in the restaurant: if there’s silverware missing from the service and someone asks you, say, “Could I get a dessert fork, please?” Always reply with, “New or used?” Your guests will kill themselves laughing, and you will become very, very rich in quality, highest-money tips in no time!

 

25. If someone complains about the music in the restaurant, remember the Cardinal Rule: you are not there just to serve, you are there to educate! Bring judgment to their requests! “Do you have any Michael Buble?” should be met with incredulity and approbation! “Are you kidding me??? Seriously, are you???” Then turn to the entire restaurant and ask everyone, loudly, “She wants Michael Buble??? Why not just request AM Radio, for Chrissakes, right???” People will agree with you vocally. “With lots of commercials!” People will get louder. “People who come here request Bach!” They will agree enthusiastically. “They request Mozart!” They’ll cheer a bit. “Beethoven!” They’ll howl in approval. “People who come here do not go to Ferrari dealers and ask if they have any Yaris trade-ins on their used lots!” People will laugh and roar at this one. “People who come here know their Pythagorean tuning and their pot-au-feu, am I right?” They’ll all shout out, “Hell yes!!!”  People who come here know that Velveeta isn’t beurre blanc, and Michael Buble isn’t music, right?” They’ll shout out, “Yeah!!!” Now, your guests may not leave you much of a tip after that diatribe and embarrassment, but everybody else will! Remember this tip about tips, which we call our Number One Tips Tip: Many bigger tips make you more money than one little tip!

 

26. Don’t just quietly remove a plate full of food remaining on your guests’ table [we call this 'The Plate Full of Food Remaining on Your Guests' Table Conundrum']. Do this instead: Call loudly for the manager to come over. When he or she does, pick up the plate and with obvious repugnance say, “This is disgusting!!! A rotting, stinking, dead road kill carcass would complain about having to eat this! What the hell is going on here???” When the manager scurries off with his or her tail between his or her legs, say to your guests, “He’ll totally comp you for this, trust me.” Your guests will love you for it!!! And you know what that means – watch those tips go up up up!

 

27. Most polite but totally spineless waiters will not say anything after a bad or insufficient tip. Screw that! Restaurant owners don’t care about your tip, not really – they have their markup built into the bill. Take the bull by the barbequed hindquarters and spin it around, as we say in the restaurant biz. Hold their tip money in the air, high above your head and say, “Look at this! After all I did for you??? I’m shocked! I’m horrified!” If they walk away, follow, and have memorized some more really good adjectives. “I’m stunned! I’m stupefied! I’m dumbfounded! I’m hurt! I’m deeply hurt! I’m wounded! I’m lachrymose intolerant! I’m psychologically damaged! I’m electro-convulsive therapy candidated! I’m reduced and diminished! I’m wizened like a winter corn husk in a prairie snowstorm! I’m heart shrivelled! I’m melting!” If you can cry, do it now! [In the restaurant biz, we call this 'Squirting'] Then continue the diatribe: “I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore! I’m morally and ethically outraged on every fibrous and non-fibrous level! I’m insulted pan-and-trans-dimensionally! I’m–… Trust me. They’ll get it. They’ll pay more. They always do. And when they do, say “That’s it??? That’s all??? You’re fucking kidding me, right??? I’m woven into a basket of despair! I’m–”… etc. Never forget the Tip Ka-Ching!

 

Enjoy your rich and rewarding career as a Restaurant Fun Waiter!

The Poker Nightmare

As reported recently in The New York Times, as part of a project to understand how the brain learns, biologists at University of Oxford, England ‘wrote’ memories into the brain cells of fruit flies, to make them think they had a ‘terrible experience’. The memory trace was written by shining light into the fruit flies’ brains and activating a special class of cells involved in learning. What follows is the actual ‘memory experience’ given to two fruit flies named Zeke and Georgie…

 

In a University of Oxford laboratory at 11:10 P.M., Zeke and Georgie fly around a semi-rotting banana, land, and enjoy a late night snack…

 

Zeke: Mmmmmm. Rotting banana! My favorite!

Georgie: Mine, too! We’re a couple of lucky guys, aren’t we, Zeke?

Zeke: Right you are, Georgie! Yum!

 

They dig in and eat their fill, then fly back to their little fruit fly beds and fall sound asleep, satiated and satisfied. Now the scientists inlay the memory trace. Zeke and Georgie then find themselves in the cockpit of a passenger jet as co-pilots, specifically Northwest Flight 188 bound for Minneapolis, Minnesota from San Diego, California.

 

Captain Zeke: You set the autopilot?

Captain Georgie: Yeah. Just a few minutes ago.

Captain Zeke [Checking over the instrument panel]: Okay. We’re trim. [After a while into the flight:] Ho-hum. Another flight, just sitting here.

Captain Georgie: Uh-huh. Plane does all the work.

Captain Zeke: Right. [They look at each other] You bring your laptop?

Captain Georgie: Yup. You?

Captain Zeke [Excitedly]: You betcha!

 

They pull out their laptops and log in. After a few minutes:

 

Captain Georgie: Fifty dollar Sit ‘n Go?

Captain Zeke: Got it! And… I’m in! Hurry up!

Captain Georgie: And… I’m in, too! [Excitedly:] We’re at the same table!

Captain Zeke [Very excitedly:]: Alright! Dude!

 

They high five each other.

 

Captain Georgie: I’m starting in the small blind, you’re in the big!

Captain Zeke: Cool!

Captain Georgie: Okay, okay! I’ve got Queen-Ten unsuited–

Captain Zeke: I’ve got garbage, a Three and a Five.

 

The table folds to Georgie.

 

Captain Georgie: Huh. Table folded to me. [Pauses] I’m all-in!

 

They laugh their heads off.

 

Captain Zeke: I’m waiting to build suspense… what’s he gonna do?… everybody’s wondering… and… folds!

 

They laugh some more. Several hands go by and then:

 

Captain Georgie: Zeke! I’ve got a King high spade flush and this guy’s betting into me!

Captain Zeke: Georgie! I folded the Ace of Spades already so you’ve got the nuts, buddy!

Captain Georgie: Ha-ha-ha-ha! This guy’s got no clue! Ha-ha-ha! Loser!! I’ll just check and… he raised me all-in!

 

‘Captains’ Zeke and Georgie laugh and laugh. Georgie calls the all-in and knocks the player out of the game.

 

Captain Georgie: Whoo-hoo!!! Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby!

 

They high five each other again. ‘Captains’ Zeke and Georgie hoot and holler and high five each other as they continue to knock players out of the game until there’s only four left…

 

Captain Zeke: Hey, Georgie? I don’t know where I stand here.

Captain Georgie: I folded a Nine of Clubs and Five of Hearts, man.

Captain Zeke: That doesn’t help me. Should I throw in a raise here or what? What do you think?

 

A message comes over the plane’s radio:

Radio: Flight 188, this is Cincinnati Control. What is your speed, heading, and altitude? Over.

 

Captain Georgie: Hm… he raised before the flop, right? And he’s out of position so he may have a solid pair–

Captain Zeke: Yeah, or Big Slick, y’think?

Captain Georgie: Yeah, for sure one or the other. So he’s hit his trips or he’s got his straight–

Captain Zeke: Or he’s still drawing to either with the river to–

 

Another message comes over the radio:

Radio: Flight 188, repeat, this is Cincinnati Control. Do you read? Confirm. What is your speed, heading, and altitude? Over.

 

Captain Georgie: Time, man. You gotta bet here. Find out what he’s got.

Captain Zeke: Yeah, you’re right. I’ll put in a continuation bet of three hundred. If he–

Captain Georgie: Wow. He didn’t hesitate to call you.

Captain Zeke: Shit. I still don’t know where I stand in this–

 

And yet another message comes over the radio:

Radio: Flight 188, this is Cincinnati Control–

 

Captain Zeke: Oh, for fuck’s sake!!! Turn that damn radio off! [Looks directly at the radio and yells:] I’m trying to concentrate here!!! [To Georgie:] It’s driving me crazy! What’s this guy got???

 

Georgie turns the radio off.

 

Captain Georgie: I dunno, man. You better show strength and bet. He’ll jump all over you if you show weakness now. Man, aren’t those air traffic controllers a pain in the ass sometimes?

Captain Zeke: I’ll say! Sometimes I just wanna– hey! A Queen! I hit my straight!!!

Captain Georgie: Beautiful! Reel him in, baby!

Captain Zeke: Okay, okay, I’ll just check here and then… he’s all-in! Sweet!!! Let’s see now… I’ll just… call!

 

Zeke’s straight beats his opponent’s three of a kind.

 

Captain Georgie: Beautiful! We’re in the money, buddy! Just three players left!

 

They high five each other again. After a few more hands…

 

Captain Zeke: Yeah, man, just keep folding to his raises and raising all-in when he folds. We’ll split all the blinds and antes and starve him right out of the game!!

Captain Georgie: Candy from a baby, man! Candy from a baby!

 

They laugh their heads off. A few hands later, the opponent goes all-in before the flop…

 

Captain Georgie: He’s down to six big blinds, Zeke. Y’think he’s making a stand here?

Captain Zeke: I’ve got King-Queen suited. You?

Captain Georgie: Pair of Tens.

Captain Zeke: I’ll fold. You call his all-in.

 

Captain Georgie does just that. The opponent reveals Ace high and is knocked out of the game. ‘Captains’ Zeke and Georgie are positively schoolgirl giddy.

 

Captain Georgie: We’re heads up!!!

Captain Zeke [Through their own giggling:] This is so great! I’ve got Eight-Seven suited. You? [Georgie doesn't answer] Georgie, what’ve you got? [Again he doesn't answer, but puts in a raise] What the hell are you doing, man???

Captain Georgie: We’re heads up! It’s each man for himself now.

Captain Zeke: Hey, I’m the pilot and you’re the co-pilot. You do what I tell you!

Captain Georgie [Raspberries him]: What are you gonna do, Zeke, report me to the F. A. A.? [He snickers] Time! Auto fold! I win the pot!

Captain Zeke: You dick! You’d do this for a lousy hundred and fifty bucks?

Captain Georgie: It’s poker, man. I’m all-in!

Captain Zeke: All what??? What the– [Zeke gets very flustered, though he has Ace-Eight]. Fine! Call! You fucking bastard!

Captain Georgie [Reveals Ace-Nine]: Gotcha covered. Heh-heh…

Captain Zeke: Shutup! Goddamn it!

 

Georgie outdraws Zeke and wins the tournament.

 

Captain Georgie [Laughing]: Oops. Too bad so sad.

Captain Zeke: You son of a bitch!!! I’m gonna fucking kill you, you little prick–

 

He slaps at ‘Captain’ Georgie, who slaps back at ‘Captain’ Zeke, and they continue this for a few seconds like they’re in a Three Stooges routine.

 

Captain Georgie: What’s the matter with you, man??? What was I supposed to do???

Captain Zeke: Play a gentleman’s game!!! We share our cards and let the deals handle the winning and losing! Asshole!

Captain Georgie: Asshole yourself! Gentleman’s game??? We’re colluding to win a lousy fifty dollar buy in Sit ‘n Go!!! You moron!!!

Captain Zeke: Fuck you!!!

Captain Georgie: No, fuck you!!!

 

They sit and stew for a few minutes. Then Zeke looks out the cockpit window.

 

Captain Georgie: Hey, isn’t that Lambeau Field down there?

Captain Zeke: Lambeau Field??? [He looks] Oh damn! We’re over Wisconsin!!!

Captain Georgie: Wisconsin???

Captain Zeke: What time is it? We’re supposed to have landed in Minneapolis half an hour ago!!!

Captain Georgie: Oh no!

Captain Zeke: Way to go, you fucking genius!

Captain Georgie: Me??? You’re the pilot!

Captain Zeke: Look, we’ll say we got lost in the… in the… pilot scheduling system or some crap like that. Okay?

Captain Georgie: Okay.

Captain Zeke: Fuck!! Let’s get this thing turned around!!

 

They turn the plane around.

 

Captain Georgie: We’re dead, Zeke! They’re going to squash us like we’re a couple of bugs!

 

The memory trace ‘nightmare’ then comes to an end for the two fruit flies. They ‘wake up’ and fly over to the semi-rotting banana for breakfast. As they start to eat…

 

Zeke: Hey, Georgie? You okay?

Georgie: No, man. I… I feel… horrible.

Zeke: Me, too. What happened?

Georgie: I dunno. I guess we… we just got carried away.

Zeke: Damn. We’re in a lot of trouble, you know.

Georgie: I know. [After a moment:] Hey, Zeke? You think they’ll revoke our pilot licenses?

Zeke: Yeah. I do. Oh God, we’ll never fly jets again!

 

Zeke and Georgie both cry.

 

Georgie: But… but… we’re fruit flies, aren’t we?

Zeke: Don’t get all existential on me now, Georgie. The F. A. A.’s already all over our asses about this.

Georgie: Okay. I’m sorry, Zeke.

Zeke: That’s okay, Georgie. Man, I’m so depressed.

Georgie: Me, too.

Zeke: You should never have raised me all-in like that. Now look at the trouble we’re in.

I Want My Genius Refund!

You may have read the widely-reported news that The Walt Disney Company is paying refunds to all people who purchased their Baby Einstein, Baby Shakespeare, or Baby Mozart videos since 2004 “that did not make children into geniuses.” Here are a couple of sample Customer Service Line complaints recently received by the company at their Burbank, CA headquarters…

 

Phone rings at the Customer Service Department, The Walt Disney Company.

“Good morning, Customer Service. How may I help you today?”

“Yeah. I want to return these Baby Einstein videos of yours for a full refund.”

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“The problem? The problem?? The problem is, I feel like I’m stuck in a pre-Einsteinian time warp when the Universe was static and governed only by Newton’s Law of Gravity and Maxwell’s Law of Electromagnetism. Only the problem is, it’s my Universe that’s static, my Universe with my kid! I bought your videos because I had this kid who I suspected was a bit of a dud when he popped out, just kind of lying there uninterested in anything, y’know? I mean, rattles, keys, everything, and nothing cranked his cranium! So I parked him in front of your videos to make him into a genius just like you said and you know what? After months and months of watching, even after I offered him ice cream if he could tell me that Newton said mass and separation distance was what determined gravity and that there was a force called Action at a Distance that made everything attract and that Einstein came along with a new theory of gravity which posited that space gets bent by energy and how that changed our whole conception of the Universe – even for ice cream, he still couldn’t get any of it! None of it!! Nothing, man!!! Nada!!! He’s a dud!!! Still!!! In fact, I think he’s actually more of a dud now than the dud he was before we watched your stupid videos! He’s duddier! Yeah, that’s right! Duddier! Is that even possible??? I mean, really! Look, I want my money back! All of it!”

“Sir, how old is your child now?”

“Two.”

“That’s a lot to expect of a two-year-old, don’t you think, sir?”

“Hey, genius, it’s a do-it-yourself home genius maker product, isn’t it? That’s what you guys pretty much advertised, didn’t you? If you’d advertised cake making videos and we bought them and couldn’t make a goddamn angel food cake you’d give me my money back, right? You gotta watch Baby Einstein to make Baby Einstein, right? That’s what you said and that’s what we did! And now my little ‘genius’ can’t even account for those 0.011 degrees that Newton’s Theory of Gravity neglected! My little ‘genius’ can’t predict, or even begin to understand, even as a simple solution, the entire existence of black holes! So yeah, I’m pissed!!!”

“We’ll provide you with a full refund right away, sir.”

“Good. You should. And you should change the name of your product to Baby Dudstein while you’re at it!”

 

Click. Customer hangs up.

 

Phone rings at the Customer Service Department, The Walt Disney Company.

 

“Good morning, Customer Service. How may I help you today?”

“I bought your Baby Mozart series of videos? I’m afraid my baby is a musical moron.”

“A musical moron? Are you sure, ma’am?”

“Well, I’ve tried everything. Humming to her, singing to her, playing the accordion to her–”

“Ma’am, don’t you think the accordion would turn anybody off music?”

“Oh? You really think so?”

“Oh yes, ma’am. I think the only thing worse than the actual accordion itself is actual accordion music. And the only thing worse than actual accordion music is polka music. Now, you didn’t play polka music on an accordion for your baby now, did you ma’am?”

“But, but… there isn’t much else you can play on the accordion!”

“Oh my God! You’ve done the musical equivalent of feeding your baby raw mercury for breakfast! This is terrible, ma’am! Your baby could be damaged beyond saving!”

“No! Noooo!! Oh, please don’t say that! Can’t you do something?!!”

“Oh, jeez, ma’am, I don’t know. These accordion cases are never good.”

“Please, oh please! I’m begging you! This is my baby!!”

“I don’t know. Accordions and polkas are like virulent invasive pathogens – once past the myelin sheath protecting the nerves of the brain, the affliction is nearly irreversible! I’ve seen grown men move and spin around like weird dancing puppets, legs uncontrollably akimbo, once exposed! It’s an awful thing to see, ma’am, truly awful. A tragedy.”

“Oh, what have I done?? I’ll never forgive myself!”

“Okay, okay, I’ll try to help her, ma’am. Let’s look on the bright side – this is definitely the answer! This is why your baby appears to be so moronic!”

“Oh, thank God!!! Please help us! Please!”

“For sure! Now, stay with me on this: we call it Baby Mozart for a reason, ma’am. We didn’t call it Baby Accordy-on Moron, now did we?

“No…”

“And we didn’t call it Baby Beer Barrel Polka, now did we?”

“No…”

“Good. Stay with me now and maybe your baby can be saved. First, get her off that accordion and polka stuff right away! Place her immediately in a sterile and isolated barium chamber until her brainwaves return to normal.”

“Got it. I’m doing that right now.”

“Excellent! Now, start her on a daily regimen of Mozart’s Jupiter Symphony along with his Don Giovanni and The Magic Flute operas now! Once every hour, around the clock, you must expose her to something wonderfully Mozartean! With fluids and rest in between, she may, I repeat, may, recover, so long as the damage isn’t permanent. If so, she could be fully musical in a few days!”

“Oh, thank you so much!”

“I have to ask – why’d you do it, ma’am? The accordion, I mean. And the polka music. It’s… it’s… borderline… I hate to say it, but… torture.”

“You don’t understand. I live on the Upper East Side. The Upper East Side for a young Jewish mother like me is a viciously competitive jungle of savagery and early death. I’m just trying to get her into Fieldston or Trevor or the 92nd St. Y Preschool, the top top top preschools, and the most fiercely competitive. I just want her to have a chance! You’ve given us that chance to survive the entry requirements! I can’t thank you enough! I– I’ll… never forget you!”

“You are most welcome, ma’am! Any way we can help, we will!”

“Any chance I can still get that refund?”

“None.”

“Okay.”

 

Click. Customer hangs up satisfied.

 

Phone rings at the Customer Service Department, The Walt Disney Company.

 

“Good morning, Customer Service. How may I help you today?”

“Oh. Hello. I bought your Baby Shakespeare videos and I want you to know I am not happy with the results. Not at all.”

“How’s that, sir?”

“Listen, I’ve spent hundreds of hours with that kid watching those things and I can tell you, she doesn’t know Macbeth from McDonalds!”

“Are you sure you’ve assessed her correctly, sir?”

“Assessed her correctly?? Assessed her correctly??? Let me tell you… I ask her to tell me about the ethically inadequate object of Macbeth’s ambition and do you know what she does? She sits there staring at me!! Drooling! Where’s the freakin’ genius in that???”

“Sir, we don’t actually guarantee that–”

“I say to her, ‘Honey, you think that Macbeth is a great play about an immensely ambitious man who feels compelled to do things that he knows are politically and morally disastrous, don’t you?’ I mean, I practically give her the friggin’ damn answer to the damn question and she still doesn’t get it!!! Your product sucks!!!”

“Sir, how old is your daughter?”

“One and a half.”

“I see.”

“What’s that got to do with it? She’s supposed to be a genius after watching these videos! You said! I mean, isn’t she supposed to have at least a tiny little bit of insight into Macbeth’s anguished brooding about the impulses that are driving him to seize power by murdering Scotland’s legitimate ruler??? Jesus Christ, lady! I invested hundreds of hours watching them with her, hundreds of hours I’ll never get back, and what do I have to show for it? I don’t have a genius! I don’t have Baby Shakespeare! I don’t have anything even remotely close to a Baby Shakespeare at all!! I have Baby Drool Baby!!! Here’s a new marketing slogan for you – watch these videos and turn your kid into Baby Drooling Fucking Imbecile!!! How’d you like to see that on the shelves of your grocery store? Baby Drooling Fucking Imbecile! How many Baby Drooling Fucking Imbecile videos are you gonna sell then, tell me? Hey honey, what should we get the kids for Christmas this year, huh? Oh, how about a couple of those Baby Drooling Fucking Imbecile videos! Okay! Yeah! They’ll love them! Let’s get them today! We’ll all watch them together so we can become the Swiss Family Robinson of Drooling Fucking Imbeciles! What do you say?”

“We’ll mail you a full refund today, sir.”

“Thanks for nothing!”

Click. Customer hangs up.

Trains of Kafkaesque Thought

New York City’s Metropolitan Transit Authority [MTA] is experimenting with a literature program where quotes are delivered by announcement to subway and bus passengers. This is to follow their original, pilot program of displaying poetry placards – successful enough to be copied by other metropolitan transportation services in North America – and complement their public art. What makes this program unique is that the MTA is eschewing traditional, inspirational axioms and reaching for more, well, unusual material. Here is one example of a recent actual Kafkaesque announcement on the New York City subway that incorporated an actual quote from the actual Franz Kafka, from his novel, The Metamorphosis:

“MOVE CAUTIOUSLY THROUGH THE TRAIN AT ALL TIMES.

REMEMBER THAT AS GREGOR SAMSA AWOKE ONE MORNING FROM UNEASY DREAMS

HE FOUND HIMSELF TRANSFORMED IN HIS BED INTO A GIANT INSECT.

THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR DAY.”

Now, Icarus Landing is happy to provide a lovely collection of similarly interesting, uncommon, curious, even weird little literary apothegmatic gems for the MTA [and any other public transportation authorities worldwide interested in duplicating this program]…

SIGMUND FREUD ON THE BUS

MTA bus passengers will be surprised and befuddled when, at 7:45 A.M. soon, the drivers all make this same announcement:

“PLEASE MOVE TO THE REAR OF THE BUS.

RIDING IN A BUS IS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EQUIVALENT OF A LONG REPRESSED DESIRE TO

RETURN TO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB AS SEMINAL SPERMATOZOA PROJECTED FROM A PROGENITORIAL PENIS.

THANK YOU.”

FREDERICK NIETZSCHE ON THE TRAIN

Passengers on the New York City subway may be very startled when, at 7:14 A.M. shortly, the following announcement is made to everyone:

“KEEP DOORWAYS CLEAR AT ALL TIMES.

OUT OF DAMP AND GLOOMY DAYS, OUT OF SOLITUDE, OUT OF LOVELESS WORDS DIRECTED AT US,

CONCLUSIONS GROW UP IN US LIKE FUNGUS.

THANK YOU.”

YOUSSEF AL-SAYIGH ON THE TRAIN

Passengers at all New York City subway stations will be delighted when, at 5:53 A.M. in the near future, they hear the following announcement:

“CAUTION: STAY BACK OF THE YELLOW LINE AS TRAINS APPROACH.

YOU’LL BE SAD TO DEPART THIS STATION AND YOU WON’T BE SAD TO DEPART.

YOU’LL FIND OUT WHY SOON, OR YOU MAY NEVER FIND OUT.

THANK YOU.”

THE MTA ON THE MTA

People at Penn Station waiting for trains at 8:08 A.M. one morning will be both surprised and thoroughly confounded by this announcement:

“ATTENTION:

THE NEXT TRAIN WILL ARRIVE AT 6:00 A.M. REGARDLESS OF WHAT TIME IT IS.”

SOREN KIERKEGAARD ON THE TRAIN

Passengers waiting on all New York City subway station platforms will be utterly dumbfounded by the following announcement when it is made one day at 10:12 A.M.:

“WARNING: STAY CLEAR OF THE TRACKS AT ALL TIMES.

FEAR IS ABSOLUTE. FEAR IS NECESSARY. WITHOUT FEAR WE WOULD ALL BE WALKING AROUND HALF SCARED TO DEATH.

THANK YOU.”

SAMPLE MTA WARNING SIGN, TO BE INSTALLED AT KEW GARDENS STATION:

CAUTIONARY INSTRUCTION: DO NOT PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH ON SUBWAY TRAINS. INJURY MAY RESULT.

CHINESE PROVERB ON THE BUS

Passengers on all Manhattan bound buses are going to be stupefied to hear, at 2:30 P.M. on a Tuesday, the following instruction announced:

“ATTENTION ALL BUS PASSENGERS:

BE SURE TO FIGHT A WOLF WITH A FLEX STALK.

PLEASE EXIT AT REAR.”

MAHATMA GHANDI ON THE TRAIN

MTA subway passengers are going to be drummed into near zombification when, from 6:00 A.M. sharp to noon each day, the following will be loudly intoned every five minutes:

“MONOTONY IS THE LAW OF NATURE. LOOK AT THE MONOTONOUS MANNER IN WHICH THE SUN RISES.

THE MONOTONY OF NECESSARY TRANSPORTATION IS NECESSARILY MONOTONOUS.”

THE MTA ON BUS PASSENGER MANAGEMENT

Passengers on all New York City buses will be shocked and flummoxed when, at 3:43 P.M. every Thursday, they simultaneously hear the following announcement:

“PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE OF YOUR FELLOW PASSENGERS.

MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS. PAIR UP IN GROUPS OF THREE AND LINE UP IN SMALL CIRCLES OF TWO.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.”

CONFUCIUS AT THE BUS STOP

Waiting passengers at the Canal Street bus stop will be perplexed by the following posted quotation:

MAN WHO STAND ON HILL WITH MOUTH OPEN WILL WAIT LONG TIME FOR PEKING DUCK TO DROP IN

FOR PEKING DUCK TAKE 24 HOURS PREPARE TIME WHEN CALL ORDERED AHEAD OF THEN.

SIGN TO BE ERECTED AT THE GRAND CENTRAL STATION MAP DISPLAY:

STUDY ROUTE MAPS THOROUGHLY TO LEARN WHERE YOU ARE GOING IF YOU WISH TO GET THERE AND NOT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

IF UNSURE ABOUT ASKING, DON’T ASK.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ON THE SUBWAY

Passengers on the New York City subway will surely be stunned into physical paralysis when, at 1:56 P.M. on the third week of each month, they hear the following announcement:

“ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS:

REMEMBER NOT ONLY TO SAY THE RIGHT THING IN THE RIGHT PLACE BUT FAR MORE DIFFICULT STILL TO LEAVE UNSAID THE WRONG THING AT THE TEMPTING MOMENT.

TWO WRONG THINGS SAID DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT THING HEARD ANYMORE THAN TWO RIGHT THINGS HEARD LEAD TO A WRONG THING SAID.

TWO WRONG THINGS AND ONE RIGHT THING IMPLIED DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT OR WRONG THING INFERRED AND

TWO RIGHT THINGS AND A WRONG THING PRESUMED DO NOT MAKE A WRONG THING OR RIGHT THING DEDUCED.

NOW ASK YOURSELVES THIS: ARE YOU GOING THE RIGHT WAY OR THE WRONG WAY? OR BOTH?

REMEMBER THAT IF UNSURE ABOUT ASKING, DON’T ASK.

THANK YOU.”

ANONYMOUS FATALIST ON THE TRAIN

During all unexpected delays, passengers on all trains will be maddened by the following announcement to be made at 20-second intervals during the length of the delay:

“ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS:

GOD DIDN’T PROMISE DAYS WITHOUT PAIN, LAUGHTER WITHOUT SORROW, SUN WITHOUT RAIN,

FLOWERS WITHOUT WEEDS, OR ON TIMES WITHOUT DELAYS.

NOW DID HE?

WE NEEDN’T APOLOGIZE FOR THIS DELAY AS IT IS CLEARLY AN ACT OF COMBATIBILIST PREDESTINATION.

THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR DAY.”

CHINESE PROVERB ON THE TRAIN

Passengers on the MTA will certainly be terrified to hear, at 11:07 A.M. presently, the following pronouncement:

“WARNING! DANGER!

DO NOT USE A HATCHET TO REMOVE A FLY FROM YOUR FELLOW PASSENGER’S FOREHEAD!

THANK YOU!”

SAMPLE MTA WARNING SIGN, TO BE SEEN AT THE 128th STREET STATION:

CAUTIONARY INSTRUCTION: DO NOT SHOOT YOUR MOUTH IN THE FOOT. INJURY MAY RESULT.

AFRICAN PROVERB ON THE BUS

Passengers on the Long Island City crosstown running from midnight to 6:00 A.M. may be driven insane but hopeful when the following is interjected between all street announcements:

JEFFERSON AVENUE.

HOWEVER LONG THE NIGHT THE DAWN WILL BREAK.

MAIN STREET.

HOWEVER LONG THE NIGHT THE DAWN WILL BREAK.

PARK DRIVE.

HOWEVER LONG THE NIGHT THE DAWN WILL BREAK.

[etc.]

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE ON THE SUBWAY

Passengers on all New York City northbound trains at 2:22 P.M. everyday will surrender to bewilderment when they hear this announcement:

“ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS:

THIS TRAIN WILL PAUSE TEMPORARILY WHILE THE CONDUCTOR DECIDES IF HE SHOULD

BETRAY THE PROLETARIAT TO SERVE TRUTH OR BETRAY TRUTH IN THE NAME OF THE PROLETARIAT.

THANK YOU FOR WAITING.”

Nobel Prize Non-Winners for 2009

We’ve all read about the Nobel Prize winners for 2009, but do you know anything about the individuals who were the Second and Third Place finishers? Probably not. All of humanity owes something, we don’t know exactly what, to these quirky runners-up…

Literature Prizes:

Second Place: To Professor Adelgonde J. Dietger, of University of Brussels, Belgium, for developing the Lambic Pentameter, which means, poetry produced only for Lambic beer bottle labels following the style and taste of the beverage itself. Lambic is a very distinctive type of beer brewed only in Belgium, produced by spontaneous fermentation and not brewed with yeast. It is this unusual process that gives the beer its distinctive flavour. Here is an example of Professor Dietger’s fine Lambic Pentameter Beer Bottle Label Poetry, also known as Bloetry:

Wishing me like to one more rich in brew,

Featur’d like him, like him with Lambic beer possess’d,
Desiring this man’s drink, and that man’s, too,

I would take them all for myself!, so be it confess’d.

For thy sweet Lambics clutch’d to chest such wealth to me brings

That then I scorn thee to change my Lambic beer with any kings’!

Third Place: To Anna O’Channa, of Limerick, Ireland, for inventing Epigrammatickets, parking tickets that include pithy one sentence phrases of extraordinary literary heft and succinctness, combined with artistic beauty and quizzical meaning. Her most famous, inscribed on thousands of parking tickets issued over the last seventeen years and now priceless each, is:

Your parallel parking leave a tire turned small;

Death, before we tire, finds us all.

Economics Prizes:

Second Place: To Professor Emeritus Florence J. Troddell-Tromp of Innsbruck University, Austria, for revolutionizing the presentation tools for methodologies used in simplifying microeconomic theory, by using nude models. She considers different types of cost economies, market and regulatory impacts, and sets out some of the econometrics necessary with a variety of specific group naked body poses. The Nobel Prize Committee called the presentations “mesmerizing in the way they break down dense theory into a series of nude poses that, quite frankly, become so clear a child could understand it if it weren’t illegal to present to a child!” One Committee member, Thors Thorstrom, who resigned in protest after Professor Troddell-Tromp was not given first place, said “her use of nudity is both Renoiresque and Einsteinesque – Einsnoiresque if you will – in its beauty, erotically charged yet mathematically based. How the hell does describing the numerous relationships within a company or among companies and individuals that shape market behavior beat that???”  [Note - He is referring to the first place prize winner]

Third Place: To Cravens Wanlagg III, President of The Primary Reserve Bank of Auckland, New Zealand, for wanting to help everyday people understand numbers and currency in a simple way by having his bank print bank notes with unusual denominations such as one cent and one hundred trillion dollars. The Nobel Third Place Prize was accepted in his stead by the bank’s Vice-President, Vandyke Gumpwright, while Mr. Wanlagg serves a sentence of 10 years in Auckland Penitentiary for counterfeiting.

Chemistry Prizes:

Second Prize: Posthumously, to General Marco Calcatravasta of Quetzaltenango, Guatemala, whose prison experiments in conduction of monatomic gases [such as xenon, argon, radon] proved the long and widely-held suspicion by scientists that monatomic gases in close proximity to a combustion trigger are, in fact, combustible. General Calcatravasta was well known for overthrowing the government of President Alberto Santista in 1984 and replacing it with a puppet regime featuring real hand puppets before being imprisoned the next day after a coup overthrew his puppets [quite easily, in fact]. The Nobel Second Place Prize was accepted in the General’s stead by his wife after he, unfortunately, blew himself and the entire penitentiary up in the process of discovering his discovery.

Third Place: To Miguel Morales and Apatiga Castano of Mexico City, Mexico, for creating a bacterial compound used for disintegrating oil sludges and slicks from big ship ocean spills that was developed from their own vomit produced after drinking voluminous quantities of tequila. “It was, frankly, a total accident that we synthesized our vomit in a correct fashion that it proved useful at all”, Mr. Castano said during his acceptance speech in Oslo, “mainly because we were so stinking drunk out of our minds all of the time that we spent a lot of time actually unconscious. But good fortune smiles upon those with good intentions, I suppose. Despite our offensive inebriation, we happened to be wallowing in our own vomit as usual one day and fortunately retained enough residue on our lab coats that, the one day we were actually sober, we did the ground-breaking work that earned us this honor and acclaim.”

Medicine Prizes:

Second Place: To Adjunct Professor Rexta Puckorious of Newcastle University, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, United Kingdom, for showing, after years of study, that new mothers whose names begin with ‘A’, such as Ann, produce more breast milk for their babies [112.46 liters per year] than new mothers whose names begin with any other letter, such as ‘B’ [total average breast milk produced by all non-As in the twenty-five year study: 112. 44 liters per year]. The recently retired adjunct professor lives in an institution now, where she spends a good deal of her time hitting her head against a padded wall over and over and over.

Third Place: To Frank Surprise, of Thousand Oaks, California, for investigating a possible cause of arthritis of the fingers by cracking the knuckles of his left hand — and never cracking the knuckles of his right hand — every day for more than sixty years. At the banquet for Nobel prizewinners and runners-up, Mr. Surprise showed everyone his gnarled, mangled, hideously deformed left hand, which was so horrifyingly ugly that women screamed and fainted and people actually became physically sickened [Note: Those drinking tequila had their vomit preserved for Mssrs. Morales and Castano]. Mr. Surprise finally had to be physically removed by Oslo police to prevent a chaotic, violent collapse in the social order of Norway’s elite, a cause for too much irony at a Nobel Peace Prize fete. “I am not an animal!”, he yelled as he was dragged away. But other Nobel recipients weren’t so sympathetic, saying Mr. Surprise should never be allowed out in public again. Ever.

Physics Prizes:

Second Place: To Dr. Cletis Bismukes-Boron of Johannesburg, South Africa, for determining the harmful hazards produced by rabbit droppings on the natural environment and spending all of the last fifty years tirelessly wandering the countryside of his native South Africa picking up rabbit poop one by one and removing them for safe disposal. Dr. Bismukes-Boron, twice-divorced, documented his efforts and published his results under the title The Little Turds That Could: A Life of De-Pooping the World One Little Turd at a Time, uncovered evidence that waste byproducts from rabbit excrement such as e-coli bacteria could gradually leech into the underground water table and foul drinking water after a few thousand years, for the four or five people living in very rural portions of South Africa. Already, his book has sold three copies.

Third Place: To Faith Yert of the University of Cincinnati, Ohio and Donnabelle Gumm of the University of Texas for analytically determining why pregnant women don’t just tip over. “It is one of the great mysteries haunting humankind”, Ms. Gumm explained, “well, in the science world, anyway, why our streets and villages aren’t filled, littered literally, with fallen-over pregnant women rocking back and forth helplessly. Because when you think of it, they should, you know, with all that extra mass dragging them over.” Summarizing their findings, Ms. Yert said, “Simply, women don’t lose their balance.” When an audience member shouted out “That’s it???”, Ms. Yert became quickly defensive, snapping back, “Well, it’s a lot more complex than that, I assure you.”

Peace Prizes:

Second Place: To eleven-year-old Johnny Watson of Niagara Falls, Canada, for four seminal letters he wrote to Mullah Omar, leader of the Taliban, Osama bin Laden, reputed head of Al Qaeda, Abu Hamja al-Muhajir, reputed head of Al Qaeda in Iraq, and Sheikh Hassan Dahir Aweys, leader of rebel forces in Somalia, in which he plaintively asks, Can you guys just stop doing all that freako stuff you’re doing and start doing something else, please? The Nobel Prize Committee noted that the letters’ innocence and directness was so moving, so affecting, that several of them were in tears as the letters were being read aloud. Sentences such as this - I want to know that I can go to the store with my best friend Dickey and pocket condoms and run out without paying cause it’s fun to do and because we’re at that age when we want to do that so we can do stuff with girls that I hear my Dad and his work buddies talk about all the time, anyway, we want to able to do that knowing that once we’re running out of the store and free and clear that we’re not, you know, going to get blown up to bits by some rogue country’s nuclear bombs all over the freaking place, you know what I mean? – made the impact of the letters irresistible. The initial vote ended in a tie between President Obama and Master Watson; the tie was broken only by employing the rarely implemented Fjord Jump Tiebreaker: all Nobel committee members must jump repeatedly into a fjord from a great height until one does not survive; that vote is then removed from the final tally. Sigjar Stargard, a vocal advocate for Master Watson, was the member who expired, thereby handing first place to the U. S. president.

Third Place: To Nobel laureate Azuriah Hot for her invention called the Bramergency, a brassiere that, in an emergency, can be quickly removed and converted into a pair of face masks/gas masks, one for the brassiere wearer and one for the closest bystander, in the event of a gaseous environmental catastrophe of any kind. Ms. Hot was the first Nobel Prize recipient who, upon her announcement, was given a standing ovation accompanied by wild, raucous cheering. By all the men present. The presentation had to be disbanded after several of these men flatulated repeatedly to create their own “gaseous catastrophe” and then ripped Ms. Hot’s bra off and stuffed it into their faces. Ms. Hot was not amused, saying, “I was not actually wearing the Bramergency at the time!”

On behalf of all of humanity, I extend our congratulations and gratitude to each and every one of you.